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From Chapter 2 of The Selfward Facing Way ("Multiple Concepts, A Singular Wholeness"):

Something quite wonderful is occurring at this stage of our human story.  We are now developing a quantum understanding of reality, based on mathematical principles (and backed by discoveries in astronomy and molecular biology as well as other fields of natural science), to reflect and confirm what the greatest saints and sages ever known have been telling us all along.

Essentially, we are coming to understand that the only thing here is infinity in all directions. 

Looking into a telescope, you know that “the universe” spreads out before you without any identifiable end point.  Your looking may reveal all sorts of mind-blowing phenomena: planets and stars, sunspots, nebulas, comets, meteor showers, black holes and galaxies.  As you look, and in each moment, the Earth is hurtling through space in its orbit of our Sun at about 67,000 miles per hour.  This figure does not even take into account the speed of the Earth’s rotation or the speed with which our solar system is rotating in the Milky Way (490,000 mph or something crazy like that).  Yet because of gravity, we and everything else here are held “in place”!  These forces and the unfathomable power be-hind them are almost unspeakable.  Countless trillions of light years are in operation, simultaneously in this very instant, engendering a perpetual multiplicity of cosmic events. 

Being aware of these unbelievable forces, it becomes evident that this activity of the universe extends forever.  Whatever you cannot see is there, too, the immensity of which exceeds far beyond what can be observed, detected or measured. 

This is a pretty huge realization!

Looking through a microscope to the inside of your body or that of any other sentient life form, you can perceive an equally mind-blowing universe.  Bearing witness to the intricate diversity and complexities of the living organism bestows an awe that is unsurpassed.  And we also know that the stronger the capability of the micro-scope, the more we can see of what’s really going on in there.  Increasing our magnification of what we are able to view on the inside reveals there is also no end to life going in this direction, in the very same way there is no end when a telescope is pointed “outwards.”  Inside and outside, there is only infinite space. 

The big question is: “What is ‘the looker’ in all of this?” 

Where is he/she?  Who is the one looking through the telescope or the microscope?  Is not the very possibility of our beginning to observe and confirm this huge mind-blowing reality—through advances in technology and scientific understanding—a function of infinity itself?  Can something other than infinity be looking at infinity?  What is the delineation between “inside” and “outside”?  Is infinity not discovering the vastness, the limitlessness, the immensity, the beauty and the wondrousness of its own nature? 

If this is true, where does infinity begin and end in you?  Can there be somewhere in which you are not in this discovery?

Can you yourself be other than infinity?  Other than wholeness? 

Is this not simply reality as it is?

*     *     *

Infinity literally means “never-ending.”  Therefore, infinity has constant never-endingness as its nature.  So in this moment, it is seamless.  It has no demarcations or limits.  Our adopted definitions and beliefs—our concepts—are responsible for imposing an apparent limit on infinity.  But apparent limits are fundamentally untrue.  In mathematical terms, this means that no matter what number you think of infinity as being, it is always at least one more.  No matter what size you perceive it to be, it is always bigger.

Since infinity already exists as never-endingness, it is only our continual discovery of observable aspects of it that can make us think of it as expanding.  The collective learning and knowledge of humankind deepens through our evolutionary development.  But knowledge is the same as infinity in the sense that all there is to know already exists; we are simply uncovering more and more of this fact, through the passage of time.  What expands is just our apprehension of it—our confirmation.  This process does not actually change anything, however.  The knowledge of everything everywhere is already complete.

Whenever something “new” gets added to the knowledge bank in which we store our cumulative evaluation of infinity’s immensity, we can fall into the trap of imagining this new concept is somehow better at capturing what is inherently uncontainable.  Infinity is too immediate, too free and too all-encompassing to be grasped in any description or process of categorization. 

Within infinity, every concept that has ever been and will ever be conceived of arises and disintegrates.  Infinity is that by which all concepts can appear, without exception, and it remains here unaffected when they disappear again—as they inevitably do.  Infinity is already everything.  It is already one never-ending wholeness.  Reality is simply, exactly this truth.  And it is permanent. 

Can there be anything else here but this?

*     *     *

For more info and to order the book by donation, see the book website at www.faceselfward.net

Redistributable Under Creative Commons License (CCBY)

Notice: all former postings stored on Asheville Sangha that carry the (C) traditional Copyright notice are now converted to the CCBY license.

Originally posted / Version 1.0  October 21, 2012; Fernandina Beach, FL

Howard McQueen

All to often

I feel that

life

is

overwhelming me,

that my future is so uncertain

that I will become drained

and slip into the joyless void.

When I obsess upon these feelings, I intensify them

and pressure and stress builds,

till I ultimately project my inward stress outward on to those who love me.

FEAR is so very contagious.

…

LOVE is so very contagious.

…

Let fear be heard, and understood

by others and myself.

Let us together absorb these images of irrational fear,

So me, and you need not act upon fear.

I am learning that my home is not a physical house that can be gussied up.

My home is a loving relationship,

first, with my wife,

then extended into communities of others

who are opening their hearts

and working to create

and sustain

a collective environment

of deeply compassionate, loving relationships.

As I shift my emphasis away from the seductive glitz and glitter of material things,

And, with a sense of gratitude,

Release these objects and feel their hold release me,

A lightness

And

A comforting and confident willingness to embrace the unknown is rekindled,

And I set my self free

To more deeply love – again.

Eight years ago today, November 7, 2004, I had my first grand mal seizure and was diagnosed with epilepsy.  Interestingly enough, it was on the day that John Kerry conceded the presidential election to George Bush.  Though I was not a fan of Kerry, at that time I was strongly opposed to Bush.  When I learned the news I was very upset and went into the kitchen to tell my wife, Shelby, the bad news.  The next thing I remember I was sitting on our stairs with paramedics looking up at me and asking questions.  Shelby was telling them this strange tale of what happened that involved me throwing my head back and making some loud groaning noise before falling to the ground convulsing.  Apparently, I got up at some point and yelled before she sat me down on the stairs.

I was in a fog for the whole ride to the hospital, and really didn't know what was happening.  In the ER a doctor came in, asked some more questions of Shelby, then told me I had had a seizure.  I was taken back by the news, but instantly remembered the feeling I was feeling right before I blacked out.  It was the same sort of feeling that I had been experiencing periodically earlier in the year.  I referred to those experiences as Revelation Spells.

A typical Revelation Spell only lasted a minute or two and felt like I was having a divine revelation.  Everything made perfect sense, finally.  I was filled with a sense of joy and relief, and I felt warm and tingly all over.  During these spells I would lose control of my thoughts and they would just drift along as I stood by and watched them on the periphery of my awareness.  After the feelings subsided, I was never able to remember what thoughts had gone through my head.  My assumption was that the key to all of life’s questions was contained in those thoughts that floated by.  Determined to capture the truth, I attempted on a few occasions to remember the thoughts that passed through during a Revelation Spell.  Though I could not remember the thoughts, I could tell that they were insignificant, mundane and just random.  I was able to conclude that the sense of revelation was not linked to the thoughts themselves.

After the initial big seizure, more followed.  If you have two or more seizures you are considered to be epileptic, which became the label for my condition.  The doctor told me that my revelation spells were actually partial complex seizures affecting the left temporal lobe of my brain, which was a bit of a let down.  However, the mystery still lingered.  Only 30% of all epilepsy cases have a known cause, and I was part of the 70% where no cause for the seizures could be found.

I was a bit reluctant at first to take drugs, but grand mal seizures are very unpleasant and the need to stop them outweighed my desire to avoid being on medication.  It was a physically and emotionally challenging time for both Shelby and I, but it marked the beginning of a change in my course in life.  I suddenly had an uncontrollable desire to read books on various subjects that had never interested me, and I was particularly drawn toward books on spirituality.  Once I ran across the idea of enlightenment, I knew that epilepsy had come into my life so that I could find the truth of my own identity.  In fact, I came to view those partial seizures as early awakenings resulting from the disassociation from thought.  I also believed that enlightenment was the cure for epilepsy, which is entirely possible.

It took a while to get my medication to a point where the grand mal seizures stopped, but I continued to have the partials (as I called them), which just rendered me unable to speak for a few moments and sometimes had some uncontrolled jaw clenching.  I was also having what they call auras, which were more like feelings of nervous energy about something that was about to happen (no longer any feelings of euphoria).

Anyway, something very interesting happened yesterday, on the eve of my seizure-versary.  I was out running an errand and called home to ask Shelby a question.  She told me to turn on the radio and listen to Fresh Air where Terry Gross was interviewing Dr. Oliver Sacks.  Dr. Sacks is a neurologist whose research interests include disorders of perception, memory, consciousness, hallucination, migraine, epilepsy and other neurological conditions. He has written several bestselling books, such as Awakenings, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, Musicophilia, The Mind’s Eye, and Hallucinations, in which he explores what it is like to live with various neurological conditions.  

It was a fascinating interview, but I was especially touched when Dr. Sacks mentioned epilepsy.  He said that it was often referred to as the "sacred disease" in olden times, and that many people with temporal lobe epilepsy had what he called ecstatic seizures that brought about feelings of divinity and euphoria.  This sometimes led people with no prior religious orientation toward spirituality. It was very moving for me to hear him talk about the profound nature of this sacred thing we call epilepsy. It felt validating to have an expert in the field convey fascination with this mysterious dis-order, and really reaffirmed my own love of this beautiful mystery happening.

Labeling dis-orders is a necessary way to communicate and study such phenomenon, but it also reduces and diminishes their profound nature to just a word.  Dr. Sacks knows from first hand experience the inexplicable nature of sensory hallucinations, which makes him a much more interested, as opposed to most doctors who just write prescriptions with little or no interest in the experiential nature of it all.

To make a long story short, I spent three and a half years unable to drive because you have to be seizure free for six months before you can drive again, and it took that long for me to totally rid myself of them (being forced into the passenger seat was just what I needed though).  I’ve been seizure free now for around four years, but I am still taking medicine.  All in all it has been a wonderfully transformative experience that I wouldn’t trade for the world.  I feel truly blessed in so many ways (loving wife, precious daughter, wonderful and supportive family, etc.) but I’m blessed to have been touched by the “sacred disease,” which gave me a foretaste of awakening. Life is good, and always has been even when it didn't seem like it.

Peace,
Trey

© 2012 Howard McQueen

Come to a full stop.

Bring your awareness and attention to your inner states of balance and harmony.

And, be honest with yourself.

What disturbances and conflicts are exacerbating your inner balance and harmony?

Once you identify these invasive thoughts and uncover their beliefs,

 recognize that they are your guests.

Perhaps they have extended their stay?

It’s a huge house you keep, with all the unexplored basements and caverns.

Light a candle.

Take an assessment.

Make a plan.

First and foremost: don’t be rude to your guests,

 especially those that have rooted in as a result of neglect.

Lovingly, let them know its time to move on.

Re-light the candle in their space,

 again and again

 and keep lighting it even if they 

 change rooms to avoid moving out.

It is time,

perhaps well past time

to clean up your house.