(c) 2010 Howard McQueen
I have recently become acutely aware, that in certain situations,
I am not able to access and clearly speak my own truth about what I need.
This can be triggered by something as simple as beginnng to feel that my expectations
for needing something from someone else are in jeopardy of not being met.
Rather than step up to my voice and stay in dialog, I find myself contracting
into an inner insecurity - that what I want is being ignored and overlooked.
So, rather than speak-up, I go into a kind of self-gagged silence.
This pattern then triggers a further contraction, where my more typical fullness of self
and hopefulness becomes a hollowed out feeling, where it feels like energy is draining from me.
I begin to wish that others would notice me and my "condition" and be able
to divine my mind and pay attention to my unexpressed, secretly held needs.
As my disassociation with being able to voice my needs deepens,
a certain neediness grows. As this becomes more acute,
I begin to resent others who are not responding to my needs.
My closing down becomes more intense, and it feels like I am stuck
in a self-brewing storm of separation.
As the pressure of this internal storm builds, well-rehearsed
reactive patterns of sadness and anger become easily accessed.
When these are expressed externally, I dump a toxic dose
of what is brewing inside me. When I do not give others advance notice,
they are caught by surprise and, with their guards down, are often hurt.
These disruptive patterns degrade what is my life, a life filled to the brim with
support, joy and opportunities. This degradation, this defilement occurs, because, in a moment of a discomfort,
I do not yet access and empower my being: my voice, my imagination and my intention.
Be it the result of old programming from our past or a fear of the future (that we
might be disappointed), shutting down virtually guarantees that
we will both disappoint ourselves, as well as not fully build strong,
enduring relationship with others.
When we shut ourselves down and fail to remain in dialog, we loose
our ability to navigate (I don't use the term negotiate) with others to
reach a shared and agreed-up space where our needs overlap.
When we are partially gagged, we loose our capacity to communicate our 100% or even listen to the 100% of others. The words we choose to speak are compromised and our body language full of ambiguity.
We stop being clear and clean and the dark clouds of confusion occlude our radiance.
So, when you find yourself shutting down and loosing connection,
perhaps it would be extremely humane to speak up and let yourself
and others know that you've tripped and stumbled and have begun
to loose your presence. More than likely, speaking this truth will
help you and others to guide you back into new patterns that will allow
you to access and speak the passions contained and fueled by your 100%.
Perhaps by acknowledging and sharing our imperfections, we can lay down our need to be
perfect and spiritual and just feel and express the truth of what is brewing inside us.
Admittedly, we need to cultivate friends and communities that recognize the tools to make it safe enough for us to begin our transformation to realizing the true values for speaking our 100%.
Perhaps you have some tools or communities that you would care to share?
If so, email me: howard@mcq.com
Comments
The perfection we can discover, by encouraging each other to feel into their heart, into the center of their humanity, is a way to be at peace with our vulnerability, to actually experience that we need to encourage
what would seem and even feel "risky" is in fact opening to and embracing our ebbs and flows.
That we are capable of meeting at the mountain tops is no more important than also meeting in the deepest ravines, where we wrestle with and learn to reveal our darkest faces carrying our burdens, and see that we are love-wrestling with the nameless, the faceless wonder of becoming fully alive.
Yes, let the heart be the directive and let us learn to speak from the deepest places where the heart interconnects us to the flow ...