This could be called the last chapter of me and my story. It’s a recounting based on memories of an apparent past. It’s completely empty and meaningless. However, for reasons beyond my control or understanding, writing about it has appeared to happen. It happened in fits and spurts over apparent months. Reflecting, revisiting, more writing appeared to happen. The idea was to eventually publish “my awakening story” in case anyone ever asked about it, I could just give them a link and be done with it (I have noticed an increase in laziness with my free time ;-) Though there is no value in stories, they can be enjoyable.
Anyway, much of my journey has already been described in my first two books, but it was after the second one was published that things took a dramatic turn. My last blog post was in April of 2022, one year after I had stumbled headlong into pure non-duality (see Radical Non Duality and The End of Seeking). So a lot seemed to have happened in the three years since, but the impulse to share it had disappeared along the way. So a fair amount of writing has happened but there was no desire to make it public.
You could say non-duality had brought about an end to a lot of things, things that were weighing down life. There is a great deal of gratitude for this message, though ultimately I came to see that there was no message and that cause and effect are just stories about a timeless, spaceceless, unknowable wonder. But, I’m getting ahead of myself (as the saying goes).
Rather than bore you with all the details of a journey that was already documented in earlier writings, let’s skip to the juicy parts with minimal backstory. After discovering what I like to call “pure non-duality” in early 2021, I spent hours every day listening to YouTubes of people like Tony Parsons, Jim Newman, Andreas Muller, Kenneth Madden, Tim Cliss, Frank McCaughey, Rose Roes and later on Alexis Knight and Izzy Cloke. I invited these speakers to come to town to do talks and many agreed (only Tony, Rose and Frank were unable to come), so I got to spend time with many of these speakers over the years. I likened listening to this message to sitting in a warm bath. It was relaxing but also seemed to precipitate glimpses of what was being shared. There was just a resonance, which is akin to an energetic “yes” that defies comprehension.
One night, in 2023, I found myself listening to a Jim Newman talk before bed (I still fall asleep listening to this message). As I was listening, it suddenly became obvious that there was no separation, nor had there ever been any. I was shocked. Awestruck. There was still the appearance of the room, furniture, body, thoughts, sensations, but none of it was separate. It was singular.
I had experienced numerous awakening experiences over the years, but nothing like this. It was almost like everything was laid flat. But in that, “I” was no longer. There being no separation renders “me” completely obsolete. I remember the thought arising, “This is not what I wanted,” as the ramifications of this reverberated. Not only was this the end of me, it was the end of everyone and everything else! It seemed as if all of the words I had heard in non-dual communications, which I thought I understood, were finally clear.
There is no one.
Everything is empty.
Nothing ever happened.
This is not happening.
It’s completely unknowable.
This is not what I was looking for, but is what I was longing for.
There was never anyone separate who could wake up from the dream.
The end of the dream is like a return to innocence.
Knowing seems to veil the childlike wonder that's ever present.
This is already undivided and no one gets to realize that, because there’s no one.
This is timeless, spaceless and unconditionally free to be whatever seems to be happening (including the appearance of time and space).
Not long after, the view of the room around me seemed to normalize and I went to sleep. I went about my daily life as I normally would and gradually, over apparent time, started to notice some things seemed to be different. The longing for liberation was gone. There was an overall okayness with life, despite the fact that outwardly things were what many would consider quite challenging. The sense of control was gone. Life was just playing itself out with this body doing what it does effortlessly. There was a sense of relief in the absence of energy that had been tied up trying to manage life.
I once likened it to having the manager of my life retire without giving notice, and no one noticed he was gone for a while. Things seemed to get done just fine without him, and life doesn’t seem like a job anymore. It's a simple ordinary life, without the need to know or manage it. It’s also spectacularly amazing and ultimately meaningless.
In the timeline, this all seemed to happen around two years ago. I’ve continued to listen to non-duality and still quite enjoy it. I seem to have become more of a purist about it and seem to resonate with a small number of speakers. If it dances off into stories of awareness and consciousness, I can’t seem to listen long. When there is no separation, awareness and consciousness are just empty stories about something that’s not really happening.
What seems to happen these days is while I’m listening to a non-duality talk, the answers to questions being asked arise in the form of thoughts. Often I’m not even listening to the speaker’s response and instead listening to “my” thoughts responding in their own unique way. Sometimes more of a resonance is felt with “my” response than the speaker’s response. In conversations with friends who also resonate with this message, this Trey character seems to say things that resonate and is often accompanied by a sense of surprise at what comes out of this mouth. There can be a subtle or overt joy when expressing this communication, and I have had several friends nudge me to speak publicly about it. I’ve noticed a reluctance to do so, despite the joy that comes from it, but it would appear the impulse is growing and the reluctance is abating.
That said, this is not a popular message. I have shared it with some on a spiritual path who did not resonate. It is certainly not something I have any interest in sharing with anyone not open and curious, or debating about, or dissecting. There is absolutely no point in sharing it with anyone, much less someone who feels like they are making progress on a journey. There is no advice on offer, which is one of the beautiful things about this communication. It’s not trying to give you a better life. It has zero intentions to do anything for anyone because it doesn’t recognize that there is anyone. And yet, in the appearance of life, relating to apparent others seems to happen just fine.
That said, if you are feeling tired of seeking or disillusioned with your life’s journey, there may be an openness to hear another perspective. Not with the promise of achieving some better experience, but an exposure of what already is unconditional freedom.
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