(C) 2010 Howard McQueen
In this posting, two friends (Yang-J) and (Yang-H) are in conversation,
seeking to find ways to uncover a center of calm where love of life can be cultivated. Both parties agreed to allow this conversation to be posted, maintaining their anonymity.
And Yang-J writes
Wow Yang-H,
I am continually impressed by the simple sincerity and gloriously glowing optimism that you have cultivated through your inspiring poetry. That is really fantastic! I need to get into your headspace. To say that I have been consumed with negative thoughts, self doubt and depression would be like saying the Titatanic experienced a slight navigational hiccup.
Luckily I am on the upswing.
3 months of mind numbing self loathing, spineless self pity and morbid catatonic paralysis is about all I can take. Even my brand of masochistic narcissism has its limit.
On the spiritual front, I finally have conceded to myself that there is a higher power if only to stave off the depressing thought that human beings are the highest power on the planet and in control of their own destiny. If that is the case then we are all hopelessly humped and the only remedy for that is slow hedonistic suicide via licentious debauchery before we destroy the planet and the cockroaches take over. That option being neither productive nor affordable, I have evolved in my quest for enlightenment and truth. Dark brooding and philosophical musing has failed to shed light for me on the precise nature of this higher power but empirical evidence and careful observation seems to suggest that it takes the role of an absentee slumlord who no longer bothers to collect the rent. my view of god and mankind boils down to the implication that we are basically squatters living in a universe governed by chaos theory and benign neglect. That being said, my therapist thinks I am improving my positive mental attitude. Although I am a firm believer in psychiatry, there are times that I wonder if my money might be better spent going to brothels instead... Ive done the math and brothels are not only cheaper than psychiatry, each visit comes with fellatio.
It worked for Fredrick Neitzche, but then again he died of syphilis. On the other hand some scholars argue that if it were not for his syphilitic madness, Neitzche would not have written "Thus Spoke Zarthustra". What ever the case may be, I both need to get saner and aspire to a better muse.
Then there is the practical considerations that brothels are neither covered under the national health insurance nor are they tax deductible as a medical expense even if all the new escort services are now called Delivery Health services. Life can be so unfair sometimes.
enough about me, how are you?
And Yang-H responds
Ha, that society's governance rewards conformity and corrective punishments rather than celebrating the benefits of brothels is indeed a barometer for the dysfunction for the human-made belief structures.
The Tao, IMHO, is perhaps most indicative of the mysterious forces that govern all corporeal beings.
I would say that my most profound shift has been to be aware and feeling centered in my Heartspace rather than isolated and cutoff in my overly-developed mental Headspace.
Being in relationship, in-the-flow (so to speak) with the Tao, keeps us humble as well as constantly adaptable to being aware of all the subtle (and not so subtle) beliefs that we inherited from society (and family as society) that are internally running and corrupting our own inherently "pristine" inner operating system.
So, IMHO, we each individually, as well as in our inter-personal relationships, have a commitment to show our masks and blocks to each other. No so that we try to fix each other, but to disrobe and encourage each other to clearly see the blocks and missed-understandings, and the pain that we avoid and then scab over, and try to build our identity and personality layers over this (quicksand of unprocessed fear / confusion / ...).
The work has to be continuous, as well as gentle (in most cases), so that it does not destroy the fragile hold many of us have, through the currently fragmented ego. Our challenge is not to destroy, but to bring in larger and larger, more profound paradoxes and create the inner peace to be with "what is". What is - is the current condition of the world as we humans have currently manifested it, given our long-standing patriarchy of command and control. IMHO, we cannot begin to immediately fix this, other than to use education and demonstrate by our own life, how we choose to create a legacy that demonstrates our own inner transformation.
My wife/partner has, as a core of her being, a desire to assist others see the truth, which I have awarded her the nickname "The Liberator". Seeing into the truth of oneself requires that we let go of all the stories cemented in place to keep the ego on fire with drama. As we deconstruct and dissolve the ego, my experience is that what we find is a benign presence, a pregnant silence that allows everything to just be as it is, and there is a patience and compassion to see all the suffering as a work-in-process that, for many, may be overwhelming, and for others, may push them directly into a magnificient transformation. In this regard, Evolution is seen as perhaps a harsh mistress, as there are (seemingly) acceptable casualties. Course, the ego, always defining itself through the frightened sense of a limited, overly vulnerable and (always gonna die), has no capability to realize the larger, unbelievable macro possibilities. It is in this mapping to the vast rhythms that we, like Neitzche, begin to sense an infinite pattern that flows out of this benign energetic field that allows everything to take place, without any judgment. That we can experience pain, IMHO, can be a recognition that we as an organism, are capable of interpreting (and learning to properly interpret) actions and beliefs that can either contribute to us being intrinsically wired into the fabric of this field, or, feel constantly disconnected and have our vitality drained, leaving us run-down, fragile, skeptical, paranoid, depressed - and then we experience the self-fulfilling nature of a weak immune system, and then the universe seems to be attacking us, or flinging experiences at us that we do not believe to be fair or just. Living as if we are in an unjust universe in and of itself is a brilliant formula for disease, as we are always suspecting that something nasty is headed our way (as in a comet that will wipe out most of life on the planet).
As humans see themselves as cells of a distributed and collective entity that, when communications allow for peaceful resolution, there is the direct possibility for evolutionary outcomes, then cells of humanity begin the transition on the evolutionary pathway. What the rest of humanity ends up doing is so completely out of any one cell's control that it is madness to expect others to follow, unless they do so through responding to a calling which guides them into the flow of the Tao.
***
On a personal note, I have personally experienced and vented a repressed anger in the direction of my partner and this has caused her to vent abandonment, fear and sadness. As we have put on these dark masks, we have realized how dysfunctional we two humans (as fearful egos) attempt to damage and wash away our closely held images of respect and love. When I really see the depths of how my grooved patterns are perpetuating my inner, unprocesed perpetrator-victim roles, I've begun to build an inner containment capability to stop going there and just rest in a more settled relative unrest that allows my inner responsiveness to become a choice. Being @Choice allows me not to attack, or crumple and loose my voice. The latter only creates resentment and the projections that another is unfairly wielding power over me. What a viscous pattern we find ourselves being called into again and again revisit, while a deeper (covered over) sense of love and justice just patiently waits for the silence and for a crack in the angst to deliver the messages that peace and harmony are inner states that must be cultivated. What happens (or not) in the outer world is whatever it is, that life is not out to get us, but just is this messy causal/effect space of what humans have been practicing and collectively creating - mostly out of a lack of imagination and unwillingness to think they are in comfort and safety by repeating old patterns ...
We are a doing all this suffering to ourselves.
It need not remain this way one day, one moment longer!
Much love Yang-J.
