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© 2009 Howard McQueenDuring intermission at the Charlotte Symphony last Saturday, a friend and I were waiting in a fairly lengthy line to order a glass of wine. A woman behind me all of a sudden drifted to my right and moved ahead in the line (in front of me).I took notice of this and surveyed the line. Part of what I noticed was that there were actually two lines and we were in the right line. The lines, however, were a bit jagged and there were no ropes or other means of demarcating the lines. This rational observation supported the notion that she could easily have innocently floated forward.She was looking around quite a bit, perhaps just a bit nervously. Deep inside, something triggered in me and as I sat with this still subconscious memory, it took hold of me. The next thing I knew I was tapping her on the shoulder asking her if she was with the couple in front of us. She said no, and then I said that it looked to me like she had moved ahead of us in the line. She said that she had just been waiting in line and then she experienced awkwardness and then she offered to buy us a drink and then she realized that her husband was yet to return and he had all the money ...I said to her, in an attempt to try and cover over the spreading awkwardness, that everything was fine and that we were glad she was with us. I said this twice, without sufficient heart or conviction.Her husband did show up just before she reached the bar.***I am going to look out for this woman and her husband at future visits to the Symphony. I am going to offer her an apology as well as a “do over”. The apology is for my authoring and involving her in my awkwardness. The do over would go something like this.I see her to my right, moving forward in the line and I say to myself “hmmmm, look what life is floating into my immediacy”. And I either just notice this, or, if I am so inclined, I introduce myself to her and introduce her to my friend, and we talk about the music we just enjoyed. I offer to buy her a drink. She laughs, saying that she could use a temporary line of credit, as her husband has all the money and is not back yet. When he returns, he is added to the warmth already underway. . At a minimum, my intentions and words would encourage and invite fellowship and intimacy , precisely the opposite of what my first encounter had created.As I was meditating late last night on my memory of the first encounter, what surfaced from my subconscious was an older memory of being in Manhattan having lunch with my wife and noticing a purse snatcher in the act of posturing to take my wife’s purse. When I locked eyes with this would-be purse snatcher, she immediately broadcast a “you caught me – damn”. I believe it was this and other snippets of memories-of-injustice that formed a knot of awkwardness in me, and this is what I projected as I was hi-jacked in the line at the symphony.One do over ready and waiting.Life, please extend to this old fool a short while longer to honor and set things in order, so I may rest in and honor the fullness of my own innate peace and goodwill, and have the constancy of awareness to offer this to all my other selves appearing in this Earth school. ~ ~ ~
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© 2009 Howard McQueenThat contagious,all pervasive,viral Love.Antiseptic for theseparated self.Liberator of the woesand illusions,wrought by ego.The ultimate, irrevocable letting go.Sacrificing and jettisoningall things personal.One all consumingLove.Every-thingin-sep-ar-able.~ ~ ~ ``` ~ ~ ~
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© 2009 Howard McQueenWhen lightening provokes the blessingsof tears-of-joy / showers of life-giving rain,and rainbows of possibilities are bestowed,love cannot possibly be contained in words ...There is, however,a resting in the abundant radiance.This will suffice until Monday,or any day,when we can be again together,to share the spirit flowingfrom this love and zest for Life.~ ~ ~ ``` ~ ~ ~
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© 2009 Howard McQueenBefore life takes up residence in embryo,the infrastructure was prepared and ignited.From the Womb of Life,spring forth the full spectrum,the myriad forms of life.We carry the gift to continuously birthenergetic life forms.We are the stewards of these,our words, emotions and intent,these children we let loose into this world.This earth school is infinitely fertile,we, completely impregnated with the life force.And, in our adolescence, we are called uponto see ourselves, birthing and siringthese likewise adolescent forms:through our lenses,the mirrors of others,and the many conditioningsthat seemingly lead us astray.The external world is perfect in as muchas it reflects back to uswhat we have thus far collectivelybelieved in and agreed to sustain.In awakening to and completely embodyingthe radical nature of Love,re-imagination of what is being createdis transformed within.A timeless singularity is awakened,liberating a grand seeing,an instantaneous evolution of being.A threshold is crossed;new bridges of potentiality appearingfor love to flow freely,liberating and illuminatinganother human-in-being.~ ~ ~
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© 2009 Howard McQueenI was visiting with a friend at her house recently and she was reuniting with a neighbor again, one that had been good friends back when their kids were growing up and before my friend experienced her shattering divorce.After the three of us had a lovely dinner her neighbor left and I mentioned that her neighbor had a certain “youthfulness” that was refreshing.My friend considered this for a moment and then said “Well the past few years have been kinda hard and taken a toll on me …”.Comparison | JudgmentSomeone is depreciated, someone elevated -always ending in an acute sense of separation.We can be so callus and brutal in our relationship with ourself.We have had so much training, conditioning and practice.Stand tall and alone,greeting each and all in deep bow.Inseparable are we all,practicing devotion to Self.Out of me and thee,there is collapse into We,then collapse again into One,the sum of our Being.~ ~ ~
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© 2009 Howard McQueenI was having dinner last night with a sixty plus year old male friend, who is currently without a female partner. He was reminiscing about how capable he has been throughout his life wooing women into the sack. Sometimes, he said, giving them a tight French braid is the clincher. And he ran on into his memories about the various enchantments that worked best.As his side of the conversation wound down, I slipped in and said “And it’s not like you were behaving like a predator”.His head snapped up and, looking into his eyes, I could see the awareness that he knew that I was on to his gigolo game and, for the record, so was he. Within myself (and for the record) I notice that I've met again my own old acquaintance in hearing these habits of his so aptly spoken. We spoke about a lady he had just met at a counseling session. He was very attracted to her, surprisingly, in a much more holistic way than his normal profile match. As we talked, I saw him soften and this quite sacred side shining through. He wanted a deeper more thorough relationship, something to bring new practices and awareness to.Guys like to roll out the big fireworks up front.What an interesting perspective, to instead be natural, open and vulnerable, and let that be your calling and trump card. Add to that a willingness (and maturity) to hold back the fireworks for a future time when, perhaps, the relationship would benefit from a bit of snap, pop, and sizzle. Opening up to a spiritual partnership, and in doing this, stepping boldly forth out of past habitual behaviors and forming new ground, one built upon vulnerability, one built upon honestly communicating whatever is being felt, in the awareness of whatever is arising.Be true first and foremost to yourself in whatever is arising.Perhaps then, our relationship with Self and with others will enjoy a fullness in truth.And when it is then decided that the (romantic, business, etc.) qualities of relationshiphave been served and is at an end,we part as knowing each other a good bit more deeply,and remain true as friends.~ ~ ~
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Photo Just a Dream by Santi Banon (appearing on Earthshots.org )
"My daughter walks towards the sunset in a wheat field near our house, coming out of one of my best dreams." - Caption supplied by Santi Banon.~ ~ ~My own inner child is so awakened by this loving vision of a father capturing and celebrating his daughter seeing and experiencing the incredible beauty in freedom and expression in this world. - HMI highly recommend you subscribe to earthshots.org . You'll get a once-a-day email informing you of that day's winning photograph.
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© 2009 Howard McQueenA friend was recently called to preside over the funeral of a much older friend. He had prepared a somewhat traditional eulogy to sanctify the somewhat obscure and very bold life lived by his older woman friend.When the moment came to deliver this eulogy, what arose in his spirit could not be contained, and, in the presence of this assembled audience of peoples mostly seventy and older, he invoked and boldly proclaimed“Ki ki so so lha gyal lo”I am sitting with him on his floating dock early this morning as he shares this story with me. I was drawn to the psychology of Tibetan Buddhism some twelve years ago, he was drawn perhaps over forty years ago. What follows below is a compilation of pointers he provided, as well as pointers found from a web search on "Ki ki so so".KI KI SO SO LHA GYAL LO We invoke the non-aggressive confidence arising from within.We summon the Windhorse [1],opening and uplifting the spaciousness of mind,no room for defeat or remorse,the clearing and passing of judgmentand all attachment to phenomena.We ride on our own blessings,along with all the other noble steeds -aroused by the provocations of our teachers and predecessors"Be grounded in the reality of this Earth" proclaims this warrior cry.Arouse many others, so there is the twinkling in their eyes.May the light of their spirit burn so very bright,illuminating the passageways and thresholdswith courage and delight.[1] In the Shambhala teachings of warriorship, this life force is called windhorse (Tibetan: lungta). Lungta is the unlimited energy of basic goodness, buddhanature, inherent wakefulness. Basic goodness is the most fundamental secret in any situation—difficult or not—and it's something that we already possess. We connect with it through meditation practice. Every day we need to contemplate our own inherent wakefulness. Then we'll have the confidence to raise our windhorse and ride it through life with joy and delight. This is how we become the kings and queens of our own lives.The beauty of meditation is that it gives us direct experience of the Buddha's discovery that suffering arises from the basic misunderstanding that the self is a solid entity. This basis prepares us for the real possibility of encountering our own basic goodness and raising windhorse. The Shambhala Buddhist teachings are based on maintaining a short consistent daily practice throughout the ups and downs, ebb and flow, waxing and waning of our ordinary lives. This is how we learn that none of it is solid. Because being caught up in a difficult situation can feel very solid, practice is the ideal preparation for hard times. We can then use such situations to inspire our practice and gain strength for the future.~ ~ ~May we each recover and be aroused into a fullness to overflow and invoke the many ancient earth blessings. When we come to a passage, a threshold, this is one of the ancient blessings that can summon the inner courage to step forward and into the unknown realm of new possibility. What an awesome way to celebrate the passing of a full life! - HM
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(C) 2009 Howard McQueenTHAT YOU WOULD DARETO WISH FOR ME,LOVE AND EMBODIMENTOF MY TRUE SELF BE.YES, I WOULD, I HAVE, AND I WILL.~ ~ ~
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Version 1.4© 2009 Howard McQueenWhat we focus and obsess onforms the energetic content,conveyed in dynamic prayer.The message content might read something like“I want …”, along with some “Please don’t …”These prayers always receive responses - oftennot at all what we hoped for or imagined.In our contrived separation and distorted perceptions,we send mixed signals of madness into the Quantum Divinity.~QD~ merely continues to hold up its highly polished mirror,and our madness folds back in upon us.Our true “Self”quietly advocates, encouraging us, provoking uswith the ethereal visions revealed in our dreams.There is also the irrefutable provocation of our conscious suffering,and the mysterious revealing of synchronicities and glimpses into Oneness.And yet again and again we choose to think we are in separation,this momentum of practice and habit we perpetuate and consecrate!There is a crack,a bit of uncontested space,the briefest of interruption forming.There is a wearing away of this practicedand well-rehearsed habitual hallucination, this separation.We are beginning to un-do, to uproot,to dis-empower our dis-enfranchisement.It informs and alters the quality of contentmaking its way into our prayers.It is rewriting pointersto the deeper needs of the heart: forgiveness, acceptance, compassion.Tears of release flow, in the loosening of our obscurity and confusion.Then comes, seemingly from anyone or anywhere,the right medicine, the spot-on guidance;the practice in meeting what ever is arising.We emerge, re-parenting our consciousness,reconnecting to our vast potential,responding and honoringwith awareness and lovewhatever is arising.~ ~ ~
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Draft Version 1.2; 06-Sept. 2009© 2009 Howard McQueenMy lucid dream from this Spring, “Rewriting the Human Infrastructure Programming ” has ultimately aligned me to the fresh entrance and invitation of my life calling: writing poetry and diary entries (like those published on this blog). I am also compelled to step off the sidelines and come back to again teach. This teaching I am calling "Fellowship (internal/external) is found in what ever is arising".This blog entry focuses on one aspect of the human operating system, i.e. our desire to respond to requests and our capacity to honor and tend to our queue of requests.Fourteen years ago I was living a very stressful, frantic life. I owned and ran a consulting business and had spread myself too thin, took on too much overhead and was "shooting for the moon" of success. At the time, I did not feel good about any aspect of my life, as my operating system, my whole being, was filled to the brim with stress.Today, life is quite simplified and my life quite still. I discarded an email package I used for fourteen years (Eudora) and switched to using Google's GMAIL for my internet email. Recently GMAIL was unavailable for upwards of two hours (a lifetime in computer time). As you will read below, the root cause of this was that a part of Google's distributed operating system, the request router functionality was overwhelmed.Using the snippet from Google's email (to me as their customer - see below), I explore and draw parallels between Google's distributed operating system and the human operating system. The commonality I am playing with is the capacity to respond to an increasing number of requests, and what happens when capacity becomes overloaded.Immediately below is Google's email to me, apologizing for and explaining the GMAIL service outage. By the way, for the two hours their service was down, they tacked on three full days of free service, extending my subscription.From the Google Apps Team On Tuesday, September 1, a small portion of Gmail's web capacity was taken offline during a routine upgrade and service update. However, we underestimated the increased load that some of the new updates placed on request routing.As a result, at approximately 12:30 PDT, a few request routers became overloaded and responded by refusing all incoming requests. This response transferred the load to the other request routers, and as the effect rippled through the system, almost all of the request routers became overloaded. …Upon receiving the error alerts, the Gmail Engineering team immediately began analyzing the issue and initiated a series of actions to help alleviate the symptoms. After determining the root cause to be insufficient available capacity ... - Gmail Team THE HUMAN OPERATING SYSTEM'S REQUEST ROUTERS Our request routers are completely overwhelmedBesieged and under attackFrom all the psychological stress of living atthe threshold of our capacity to seemingly cope.[We experience a collapse in capacity to respond]We take ourselves temporarily offlinewe fall back, into retreat.Licking our wounds,formed around our intensive boutswith our hostile worldand our resulting PTSD gloom and doom.This is what it comes down to.Meeting yourself as an entangledwork-in-processAdrift - RudderlessPaddling, sometimes franticallyin the mist.Seeking solidity and sanctity of shore,to draw your line in the sand,to collapse and rest.Then, back up again,a bit more revitalized,charging back into the fray,to fulfill more response requests,routing these to all your available fragmentsin various degrees of distressIs it finally ripening as your timeto give it all up,to experience the rejuvenating spa of spiritual detox?Let the tides and rhythms of life extol and wash you clean,then completely awayfrom the conflicts arising within your duality play.Playing constantly with the quantum energy held in contrary pairs [1]we overheat and freezer-burn our essence, routing all these conflicting requests.Honor the flowing of life: sometimes in, sometimes out.Turn yourself about,then perceive it all from the inside-out.[1] Contrary pairs are energetically bound human polar opposites (pain-ecstasy, intimacy-separation, etc.). When a contrary pair is internalized and activated in the human operating system, an elaborate and often full-time ping-pong motion is released into play, allocating vast amounts of our inner capacity to attempt to cope with the resulting heightened dilemma of duality. Consciousness has no capacity to be at rest. Stress mounts, and this leads to doing and more doing and we loose touch with stepping back into the Silence, just to rest and allow things to just be.~ ~ ~
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(C) 2009 Howard McQueenThis tendencyto run directly intobelieving our stories,as well as the stories of others.The dramathe sufferingthe distressunrestthe need to take action,to make things rightOr, do we have it ALL upside down,held together, lacking a "do over", a turn around?Strong arms unfoldand we beholdan other-worldlypeace and stillness in beauty,in the constantly unfoldingand allowing of thingsto run their own course,letting life just be ...~ ~ ~
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One beautiful introduction to Ramana Maharshi can be found in the illustrated photo book, The Essential Teachings of Ramana Maharshi , InnerDirections Publishing . Many, many photos, provide a visual context for the stillness and inner beauty of this Being. Staring into his eyes brings back The Remembering - HM.All words below are excerpted from this book.SURRENDER Either surrender because you realize your inability and need a Higher Power to help you, or investigate the cause of misery. The Divine never forsakes one who has surrendered.Surrender is giving oneself up to the origin of one’s Being. In due course, we will know that our glory lies where we cease to exist.~ ~ ~You give up various possessions. If, instead, you give up “I” and “mine,”, you give them all up in one stroke and lose the very seed of possessions.Disinterest I (the non-Self) must be very strong to do this. One’s eagerness must be equal to that of a person kept under water while trying to rise to the surface to breathe.METHOD / PRACTICE You call it meditation because other thoughts distract you. When these thoughts are dispelled, you remain I the state of meditation, free from thoughts.When the practice becomes firm, your real nature shows itself as true meditation.When meditation is well-established, it cannot be given up. It will go on automatically, even when you are engaged in work or play. It will persist in the sleep, too. Meditation must become so deep-rooted that it will be natural to one.~ ~ ~
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© 2009 Howard McQueenA new friend recently moved to Asheville and invited his son to share his apartment with him. His son was a straight-A student in high-school and made 800 on the Math SAT. His son, now ten years out of high-school, is also schizophrenic.About a month ago, his son stopped taking his meds and reverted/relapsed back into deep mental illness. My friend followed his son part way into this illness, then had a debilitating accident on his bike and he too ebbed into his own illness.He met with his son’s mental health care team this week, as well as meeting in a NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness ) sponsored support group.As we had dinner last night, here is some wisdom he has connected to and shared with me.Psychosis is the bazaar state and process in which the personality of one you love alters in ways you could never imagine. They will no longer be inhabiting a world that is remotely familiar to you.When psychosis strikes your loved one, you will find that you can no longer reason or persuade them on the basis of shared understanding. This will frustrate your efforts to aid and assist them. It is critically important for family members and friends to grasp and understand this environment.When he visited with his son in the mental institution the other day, his son confided in him, saying “Norman Schwartzkopf was in the hospital, as were the Alkida and that Rosalyn Carter was the one who injected him with the poison”. If we take the aforementioned wisdom into the Silence, we hear my friend responding to his son by saying “Son, I know it must be really hard for you right now. Know that I love you and I will not abandon you”.As I take this in, having had my own experiences with the extended suicide watch of a loved one, I write this note to myself and all those who have loved ones in some form of distress.Empowered SurrenderORPowered by your will,as a separate individualHerein lies the crossroad of our consciousnessWhich fork to choose?What outcomes will we peruse?Power of will provokes the road to efforting.In this choice, we pour our awareness, sometimes frantically, outwardly, often trying to subsidize, stabilize and fix something outside, seen as seemingly separate from us.For me, this road brought on “walking on eggshells”,extreme separation, suffering and persistent feelings of "all is not at all well".Empowered Surrender clears the wayfor collapse into the Unknowing;releasing of all personalized will and sense of controlling.For me, learning to trust being with this darkness and silence,allowed me to connect with the limitless possibilitiesof not trying to know through the mind;to be with whatever arises,including the Phoenix,the flamesand being open to that which lives only through encountering its own fear of death.There are blessings,waiting here, there, everywherefor those willing to choose and practice Empowered Surrender.May you too take in the wisdom, intimacy and tenderness invoked in this blessing!
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[Subtitled "Lavish in the Silence of Self]
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