Responsibility (Defn:)Response ability, the capacity and capability to respond (and not enter a reactive state). The capacity to be consciously present within ourselves, and from this non-aggressive energetic space, choose to contain and constructively direct our internal energy, with the intention to liberate unconscious beliefs and behavior.I am developing the capacity to be responsible for my actions and my intentions.I am becoming aware that to use this capacity with others requires an ongoing commitment to understanding deeper and deeper subtleties in understanding myself and how to approach, inquire and develop awareness and compassion for my blind spots as well as extending this compassion for the blind spots carried by others.These blind spots are where my internal energy does not flow freely and has become frozen (or stuck).This stuck-ness in my internal energy flow causes me to revisit and re-experience my blind spots as current, in-the-moment reflections, brought to me by messengers (the people in my life that carry the messages that trigger my reflections and projections).It is very easy to become tripped up in our reflections and projections and the emotional and mental bias that is running rampant (yet to be seen and integrated) in our human operating systems.As we (I mean me and at least one other person here) learn to reward and reinforce each other for learning and taking responsibility for our side of relationships, we build trust and we grow the capability (muscle) and capacity (persistence /endurance) to transform unconscious beliefs and behaviors.This is the work that I am being called upon to awaken to.This is what I dedicate the rest of my life on this planet to.~ ~ ~I have taken the liberty to modify the definition of response from Michael Brown's book The Presence Process.Always a delight to hear from any of you - Howard@mcq.com
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(c) 2009 Howard McQueenOne pathway to be the embodiment of The Mysteryis to focus on receiving and responding to lifeby living through your heart.You will perceive an ever-deepening intimacy with your overall connectedness.This will bring on such a felt-fullness that it will crowd-outand displace all pettiness and worries.And what is left is abiding and residing is felt Oneness,direct connection to cause and effect,and the sense that we are all engaged in the same experience.Many of us are still resisting, coping, stuck in survival mode.Others are embracing, living and actively sharing in Love,having no idea what will happen from moment to moment,as the mystery continues to unfold.Their resolute response to experience is deep gratitude for just being alive!
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(C) 2009 Howard McQueenWe are discovering that when we center in our heart,there is a quickening of non-aggressive energy.This energy courses through our human instrument,and when this intent is heldgently as encouragement to awaken,the white magic is set free to awaken in others.Others see this energy as their own imaginative reflection.They either drink it in deeply, or reactivate their own aggressive tendencies;They push their own "buttons" of stored resistance.The resistance arises as projections,pointers to internal, stuck energy,formed around experiences,now hardened into beliefs,that deeply sap and kidnap our authenticity.This is the Illumination Stage of Awareness,where we get to use our "new eyes" and vision toreal eyes the gifts hiding out in our shadows.All we need do initially,is rest with the reflected projection.Thenfeel and lean into this energetic dynamicand meet a hidden aspect of ourself.Continuing this type of processingis uncomfortable,as well as completely transformational.You will be undoing and up-rooting old fear/anger/grief behaviors and patternsand regaining a groundless freedom to allow love to grow and flourish.Compared to living in prisonI'' ve discovered adopting this processis worth whatever the price of admission.
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(C) 2009 Howard McQueenThrough the use of aggression and force,not the least of which is mental and emotional brutalitytaught, rewarded and enforced by parents and other adults,especially those honored with the title, "those we look up to",we have substantially shut down our heartssuppressing our greatest inner treasure trove of wealthinstead, we are loading up on self-medicating, addictive behaviors,over the counterand under the thumbpharmaceuticalsand a vast array of things designed to numb and deaden us,as we practice repeated, habitual grim fun and avoidance.We spend more and more time hiding out,obsessing in the anxiety-filled corridors of our mind.We don’t die here,we are kind of anesthetically embalmed,to wither away in our mental illness-fortress.We’ve forgotten that to be vulnerable and aliveWe must shed our skins and dieIn order to continue opening to the sacred.Instead, we practice caving inBarely crawling on our foursRather than standing tallRadiating our authenticityOur child, still mired in perpetual resistanceBurns alive with the escalating fever inside.These baked in habits escalating,Fed and fueled not by U-232,but the radioactive reactor of the Human Catch-22.[1]Deep inside there is a growing knowing,the human race need not continue to projectthe world as it currently is.Surrender all inner aggression.Rely upon heart-felt insight to find your way.Be peace![1] The Human Catch-22Our emotional body,desperately in need of healing and rescuepays forward our toxic experiences,binding us to our past,now the continued and ongoing defilement of self.In the meantime,everywhere else except in the domainof human operating systems,peace reigns supreme.We don’t need tocreate,manufacture,pray fororeven acknowledge Peace.It is a constant given,a bright and continuous signal –that more and more of usare beginning to senseand receive this signal,feel it,take it inwardand radiate it outward!In my heart, I hold the signal and create expansive space for peace.~ ~ ~
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(C) 2009 Howard McQueenAs we come to realize that life itself conspiresto show us again and again what we've avoided and tried to retire,we begin to feel that we are not really helpless and drowning,we are neither victims or victors.These are but role-based sentenceswe have chosen to believe in and empower.And, meanwhile, life tirelessly sends us an endlessarray of messengersreminding us, through reflectionthat which we are most uncomfortable with and have cast out.How do we know we have received a messenger?When we are internally provoked enough to choose reactive projection.This "spills the beans" we have hidden from in our past.I say "lets make a hearty soup with all these spilled beans."Why not a community pot, which we can all take turns stirring.We can each add some of our uniquely flavored spice.We can make many pots, each with its own unique blend of content.Some vegan, some not.All deeply seasoned with fellowship and these great gifts of integratingUnity and Reunionand living in peace.May we all see through the interruption and disconnection that arrives with our intentional messengers.These open the divine pathways back to suppressed discomfort and pain.and may we see in our reflections and projections,our proclivity to suppress our emotional distress, and not continue to cap it off with self deception.Our journey is to remain inquisitive and honor our personally held discomforts.I celebrate our messengers for holding up the mirror and encouraging us to find our truthsand set ourselves free.~ ~ ~When I feel into sensing that life has been quietly and tireless provoking me to see my short-circuited energies, I welcome this deep sense of gratitude and release, more deeply, the sense that life ever tried to attack me. I am an unlimited beingness, indoctrinated into this conditioned, multi-dimensional experience. When I relax and do not take any of this experience personally, I feel the energetic tides of life ebb and flow and there is this welling-up of connection ... to everything - So much gratitude and love is felt and ripened for expression - HM
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Towards (Building) a Brighter FutureExcerpted from the above URLAll the darkness of the world cannot put out the light of a single candle.The Current SituationTogether, we can and will build a brighter future. Yet in order to give meaningful suggestions for this, we first need to speak candidly about what's happening in the world at present. It appears that there are factions within the world's power elite which desire to exert as much control as possible over the world. Their primary means for establishing control are through promoting fear, secrecy, and polarization, and through distracting people from their deeper purpose in life. When these factions gain greater power and control, our freedoms and liberties are increasingly taken away, sometimes without our even realizing it.Fear is used as a powerful tool of control by these factions of the global elite. "The terrorists want to kill us all. Your job, savings, and retirement are no longer secure. You are either for us or against us. We might be attacked at any time." All of these messages push us towards fear. And by encouraging us to focus blame on others such as terrorists and "evil" leaders, the global power brokers push us away from feeling in control of our lives and towards the role of powerless victims. The more we slip into fear and being victims, the easier it is for us to be manipulated.Secrecy leads to control through preventing the exposure of hidden agendas, and through breeding distrust, suspicion, and paranoia in the world. In the name of "national security," we have been told ever more frequently that we should not know what is happening behind closed doors in government. Yet we are encouraged to keep vigilant watch over our neighbors, over those who question the government, and over those who look or act different from us, as they could secretly be terrorists in sheep's clothing. Rampant suspicion and secrecy cause us to lose touch with the common humanity we share with all around us.Polarization leads to "us vs. them" ways of thinking. Divide and conquer is a tactic that has been used successfully by the power elite of the world for centuries. As long as people focus on blaming and attacking "the enemy," they are not likely to look for the deeper causes of their problems. Controlling factions of the power elite work to keep public and media attention focused on issues which divide us into two polarized camps, so that their greatest concerns of power and control go unnoticed. The power brokers then control both sides of the divided public by assuring that corporate ownership of the media and key candidates from all political parties support their deeper power and polarization agendas, which often involve war profiteering.A final subtle, yet powerful method of gaining control is to distract people from their purpose in life. Consider that television, radio, and movies have been filled with ever more greed, violence, and empty sex. Our educational system has increasingly prioritized passing tests over developing intelligence and creativity. Excessive corporate control of the media has limited what news we receive, and often shaped our decisions and the way we think. Our attention has been subtly diverted from our deeper purpose in life to the more superficial attractions of sex, consumerism, and money.When people succumb to fear, secrecy, and polarization, and when they lose touch with their sense of purpose in life, elements of the global elite are able to exert ever more control over our lives and world.What can we do about all this? Ultimately, it is the collective fear, secrecy, polarization, and loss of purpose within all of us that has allowed leaders to take power who would subvert democracy, and who would take away our freedoms and liberties. By each one of us making a commitment to work on these issues both inside of ourselves and out in the world—and to inspire others to do the same—we can change our collective direction and build a solid foundation for a brighter future. Several actions can help us to take firm steps in that direction.Develop purpose and intentions for your life. To live rich, full lives in today's complex world, it's vitally important to give your life clear direction by exploring what is deepest and most meaningful to you, and by developing a life purpose and life intentions based on this. Then choose to live your intentions and follow your purpose to the best of your ability every day. By choosing to live with clear direction and focus, life becomes deeper and more meaningful. This then weakens the seduction of consumerism and media hype which distract us from our purpose, and allows us to more effectively focus on building a brighter future.Choose to transform fear into acceptance and love. When we notice ourselves feeling fear, we can trace the roots of that fear, so that we are able to identify our core issues and deal more consciously with them. We can open to guidance from friends, teachers, and spiritual sources in helping us to move from fear to acceptance and understanding. We can also transform our fears through welcoming the ever-present love of God, and the love that lies always deep within our own hearts, and in the hearts of those around us. In doing this, we begin to recognize fear as an invitation to growth.Become aware of when you are playing the role of victim, and choose instead to take personal responsibility for building a brighter future. In blaming others for our problems, we often avoid taking responsibility for how much we are involved in creating these problems through the choices we make. Whenever we catch ourselves playing the role of victim by blaming others (including the power elite) for everything that's wrong in our lives, we can choose to take a look inside ourselves, and to explore and take responsibility for our role in what's happening. By focusing less on blaming others, and more on improving ourselves, every one of us can make a difference both in our lives and in our world.Avoid secrecy and encourage openness and transparency. An important way we can do this is to work together to inform friends and colleagues about the major cover-ups being hidden from the public. Then in our personal lives, when we notice ourselves keeping information from others, we can examine our motives for this secrecy. Are we withholding information out of our own self-interest, or because this is really what's best for all involved? And on a deeper level, where are we avoiding being honest with ourselves?Move beyond polarization and the focus on "good vs. evil" and "us vs. them." Consider the possibility that all of us are doing what we believe to be right based upon our beliefs, circumstances, and upbringing. Each of us has a place in our heart that wants only to love and be loved. As we focus less on blaming and judging "them" and more on supporting the highest motive in all people—including members of the power elite—we increasingly come to see that we are all one human family, and that we can choose to transform our world by working together for the good of all.And finally, come together in groups and communities to support each other in making these positive changes. In these groups and communities, we support each other in transforming fear into acceptance and love. We exchange information about all that is being hidden from us and explore ways to move beyond polarization. We also share our life purpose and intentions and encourage each other to live these as fully as we can. And we inspire each other to take responsibility for our lives and to be the best that we can be. When we gather in community to support each other in these intentions, we join in building a growing network of inspiration and empowerment around the planet.These suggestions emphasize changing the collective consciousness of the world by transforming both our own personal lives and the world around us. Let us do all that we can to stop destructive behaviors of the global power elite. Yet let us not overly focus on changing the outside world without first having a solid internal foundation, lest we fall into blaming others, and into the polarizing "us vs. them" ways which only further divide us. By reminding ourselves that the most powerful change starts inside each one of us, we can develop more balance and strength to then work towards positive change out in the world.As we change ourselves from the inside out, we send ripples of inspiration and healing out into the world. By joining together in groups and communities to support each other in this, those ripples become waves which powerfully help to build a brighter future for all of us.
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See my post THE BLAMING MACHINETHE CHEMISTRY OF BLAMEBy Gay Hendricks"Do you choose being right or being happy? I’ve had people come back months later and say, 'I hated you for asking me that question – but it changed my life.'"-- Professor and counselor Gay Hendricks on how to break the addiction to blameThere is a great fundamental issue that overrides many of the things we can do to heal ourselves and the world: the human tendency to step into feeling like a victim and blaming others, instead of taking personal responsibility.It’s not just a habit; it’s an addiction, just like a chemical addiction. When you step into the victim position by pointing the finger of blame, you short the circuitry in yourself that allows you to feel the natural organic ecstasy of fully standing in a co-creative position with the universe itself. That’s the fundamental developmental task we face at this stage of our evolution: opening up the wiring that allows us to feel organic ecstasy for longer and longer periods of time.At present, most people can’t sustain the feelings that arise with this opening, so they slip into a dangerous addiction to blame with its corresponding feeling of a gleeful gotcha! Once we’re accustomed to a certain internal chemical state, we feel comfortable with that state even if it’s attached to really dysfunctional behavior like that glee that arises from apportioning blame.When we try new behavior and our neurochemistry changes, it feels uncomfortable at first. Moving to a new emotional and biochemical state may feel foreign. Even though it may be a healthier one, it is unfamiliar.Usually in couples therapy, the first issue to be addressed is: Are you willing to make a commitment to solving the problem? One of the most typical responses is, “Well, I’d be committed if she were.” It takes about an hour and a half of discussion to work through that objection, until at some point in the process, both people bond and turn on the leader.I tell my students that those are the only moments during which you’re earning your keep as a therapist. Both members of the couple turn to you and say, “Hey, what the hell are you suggesting here? Are you suggesting that it’s not his fault?” That’s always a sweaty moment, but it’s the instant when transformation can come. Once you’re through that issue, the possibility of getting out of the field of blame and actually taking responsibility opens up.“Are you willing to stay completely away from blaming anyone, and instead make a sincere commitment to resolving all the issues we confront?” I’ve asked that question of thousands of people, many of whom had traveled great distances to visit to me, or were paying me very large sums of money.Even with stakes that high, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the person goes into the default position of blame immediately. Weaning people from that automatic behavior takes a great deal of patience and repetition, and a nimble set of therapeutic interventions.The tendency to default to blame is the huge issue confronting couples and societies today. Wherever you see it appear, that’s the area where healing is needed. There’s only one solution, and that’s to take 100% impeccable responsibility – and create a space for the other person to take 100% impeccable responsibility as well. Responsibility has a contagious effect.The initial level of responsibility is going from blame to being willing to consider what you’re getting out of – or contributing to – the problem. Senior level responsibility is being so impeccably clear that you become a space into which it’s possible for other people to step.You then have to confront a person’s despair that the problem is not solvable, which is always accompanied by about fifteen levels of justification. But when both people have made a commitment to resolving the issue, 90% of the work is done. Both people have then stepped into a co-creative role with not only the other, but with the Universe itself.A particular couple comes to mind. They came to work with my wife and me on their relationship. Both partners were Ph.D.s who had written brilliant scholarly papers, but when either of them encountered anything they perceived as a threat, their academic, intellectual understanding flew out the window, and they immediately became convinced that they knew that the other person was wrong.The first thing that we did was to repeatedly ask them if they would be willing to take responsibility for healing, and to make a commitment to solving the issues. When confronted with the question, they would spin out and become more entrenched in the position that it was the other person’s fault. They had endless justifications for this certainty, and thus continually dosed themselves with this highly addictive drug.It took all of the first day and well into the night to produce a shift, but in the middle of the night, the husband couldn’t sleep. His anxiety got worse and worse. In a state of desperation, he said, “Okay, I’m willing to commit to solving this problem.” That created a space for the wife to commit to the same thing. The next morning, they came in willing to solve the problem.In a nutshell, the problem was that she had had a sexual affair and he couldn’t forgive her. They’d gone ’round and ’round with it for the better part of a year. On the second day of therapy, the reason he couldn’t get over it became really clear.One of the questions that I commonly ask people is, “Has anything like this ever happened to you or anyone you know?” At first the husband said, “No,” but then, as we got deeper into the question, it turned out not only was the real answer, “Yes,” but his entire early life had been shaped by his mother running off with another man and leaving his dad with four little boys to raise.It was inevitable that his wife’s infidelity, or something like it, was bound to happen to him, because he had it so thoroughly sealed off this early experience.When we seal something off from our consciousness inside, it has to be brought to our attention in some way by the outside world. Suddenly, he realized that his wife was illuminating this old experience, and he said to her, “Oh, you played this role in my life for me.” At the end of the second day they were in each other’s arms.She said, “This was inevitable. I had to play this role for you.” And he responded, “Yes, this was my bad dream you wandered into.” He asked her, “Can you forgive me, for getting you involved in this nutty scheme of my unconscious?” That couple represented one of the best examples I’ve ever seen of what’s possible when both people take responsibility.There are a lot of programmed-in and even biologically-based characteristics that make human males and females different. I’m interested in what’s underneath that. The deeper you go inside, the more human beings look alike. The further you go toward the surface, the more different we look. The fear a woman feels when she’s upset about the guy not picking up his socks corresponds to the fear the man feels when he’s upset that she’s on his case. The superficial differences point to some underlying unity.To deal with these situations, we voice our fears, then look underneath them. As a therapist, I point out repeatedly, “Okay, having said that your husband is a worthless piece of shit, tune inside. Do you feel happier?” The person begins to recognize that although they feel that “glee-gotcha” feeling that comes from assigning blame, they don’t feel happier.So I help people make choices about whether something can make them feel happy, rather than just gleeful, by inviting them to make tiny choices that are actually huge choices. I say, “Do you choose being right or being happy?” I’ve had people come back months later and say, “I hated you for asking me that question – but it changed my life.“And here’s the great advantage of asking this question: we each only have to make the choice once. That choice changes the whole playing field. Afterwards, it’s simply a matter of practice. It’s similar to getting on a bicycle for the first time. You travel ten feet, then wobble and fall over. You get back on and you master going twenty feet. The first time was the moment in which everything changed.It’s the same with mastering personal responsibility. Once a person shifts out of glee and experiences the real joy of claiming responsibility, everything is changed. They’re launched into the process of learning. How do they remember that they’re in that process and trigger that experience on a regular basis in everyday life? By discovering how great they feel when they do it, and how miserable they feel when they don’t.Twenty-five years ago Kathlyn and I knew we wanted to create something different with our marriage. We looked around to find other couples to model our behavior on, but we found nobody whose relationship we would have traded for our own. We had to make up our path ourselves.It took a long time, but now it’s been the better part of a decade since my wife or I have said one critical thing to each other. It’s years since I’ve experienced blame, since I’ve had that chemistry in my body. I am past the point where I ever want that drug, because I feel good, and I don’t want to bring myself down. We are living in that clear space of impeccable responsibility that offers the possibility for other people to step into it. We choose to be happy. It’s easy now.Note: Gay Hendricks is the author or co-author of 25 books in conscious relationship, conscious business, and body-mind transformation. Included are such enduring bestsellers as Conscious Loving and Conscious Living. Before founding his own institute, Gay was a professor of counseling at the University of Colorado.Over the 24 years of their relationship, he and his wife Kathlyn have raised two children, accumulated a million frequent flyer miles and appeared on more than 500 radio and TV programs. See his empowering website at www.hendricks.com. The above is an edited excerpt from a compilation of essays in the book The Marriage of Sex & Spirit, edited by Geralyn Gendreau.And for an excellent, inspiring online lesson which dives deep into these issues, click here.****See my post THE BLAMING MACHINERead more…
