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American Zen

Posted by Bill Walz on November 19, 2009 at 4:39pm

AMERICAN ZENBy Bill WalzZen is waking up out of the unconscious patterns of our lives and into heightened presence, awareness and clarity - then, living life right here as it is. Nothing special, and, oh, so special.I teach and guide people in a way of living that draws on the wisdom and skills of Zen Buddhism, yet is thoroughly contemporary. I call it American Zen because America is the contemporary culture in which I live and teach. It could be European, or Asian or Latin or African because Zen doesn’t have to be bound to a culture. It is a way of approaching life that transcends culture. Likewise, while Buddhism is a religion that originated in Asia, I have always found it a little off-putting that Buddhism is often practiced in the West continuing to emphasize its Asian trappings and rituals. The Asian trappings and rituals are not Buddhism. That said, to absorb fully a statue or picture of the Buddha can be an experience of wholehearted presence, an example of the clarity, peace and calmness that communicates a great deal about Buddhism.Buddhism is about living life in an “awakened” manner, which is what the word Buddhism means, and this awakening is not about some theological dogma, but about seeing and living life naturally, vitally and skillfully, not caught in the shallow experience of life only as a backdrop to all of our hectic activity and thinking about life. Fundamental to the teachings of Buddhism, the phrase “be here, now,” is often applied, and to me, here and now means just that. Not there and then, in some other cultural and time perspective. Buddhism, and its Zen expression, is really much more a philosophy of life and a psychology of the Human experience than an anachronistic religion. It can be applied in any cultural, historic or even religious context. American Zen then is the development of the concept of “here and now” to its full transformational potential within the cultural context of contemporary America.Central to Zen, but not as some ritual, is meditation. Meditation is the practice of deepening our capacity for relaxed, yet very alert awareness. It opens us to profound conscious contact with the present moment where our lives are actually lived, while gaining in insight as to how our psychologically conditioned minds create a very artificial and limited relationship with life. It is about learning how each moment has its own uniqueness, but that we miss this uniqueness projecting our own concepts of self and the world onto the moments of our lives.Zen is then about learning to bring the openness and focus we experience in meditation into everyday life. The practice of sitting meditation is a powerful practice for learning the mind and opening into discovery of who we are at our deepest level. But for our sitting meditation to achieve its full transformational potential, the consciousness achieved in the sitting must then enter our ordinary everyday life as mindfulness, the practice of knowing with a deep presence what we are doing as we do it. This connects us powerfully to life as we live it.If all our neurosis is created by the conflicting messages we get from family and society about who we are and what is right and true, then Zen seeks to liberate us by instructing us to experience life directly, and to, as one Zen exhortation instructs, to “show original face”. This means to live in a manner emerging from capacities within us that are natural and fundamental rather than solely acting out the influences and conditioning of family and social experience. In this way, Zen is a psychology with powerful transformational capacity. It opens us to experiencing life anew, with immediate, open curiosity and wonder, getting out of the mazeway of our minds, greatly freed of neurotic thought and emotion.Simplicity, naturalness, presence, connectedness and compassion are hallmarks of the Zen life. Zen is a living philosophy, a way of experiencing life in freshness and wisdom. It is not meant to be an arcane religion, but it is meant to awaken spiritual connectedness. In that way, Zen is the experience and expression of life as a sacred dance, here and now. Even the simplest of acts and experiences is imbued with the wonder of the sacred. Zen is the experience of the sacred in us encountering and entering the sacred in the World, transcending the experience of separateness, for the sacred cannot be divided into “me” and “other”. Zen is meant to awaken us into the spiritual dimension of life while living our ordinary secular lives.American Zen, then, is American life, done with a Zen twist. The traditional Japanese Zen instruction that Zen is in “chopping wood and carrying water”, means it is to be found in the simplest of life’s tasks when those tasks are approached with relaxed alert awareness and a sense of sacredness. American Zen, then, is chopping wood and carrying water modern American style. It is about walking in nature or just down the street, driving your car, washing the dishes, eating a meal, gardening, sports and recreation, doing your job, interacting with people. The Zen is in being very present, very aware and reverential, not distracted, as you do whatever you do. It is about embracing Life just as it is, not insisting that Life meet your conditions for happiness. In Zen, you become increasingly aware that you are Life, that you are Nature. You no longer feel separate, dissatisfied and afraid.Zen is waking up out of the unconscious patterns of our lives and into heightened presence, awareness and clarity - then, living life right here as it is. Nothing special, and, oh, so special. Stop being trapped by your past story of who you think you are, and begin living vitally in the present. Open your mind beyond the limits of its family and social conditioning into life’s full potential, which allows life to be markedly more meaningful, satisfying and manageable. Then, just live life, wherever you are. Only now, life is saner and has a joy, spontaneity, spirituality and peacefulness that is lacking in the typical conventional modern experience. Right here in America, living American Zen.

WHAT WOULD OUR LIFE EXPERIENCE BE LIKE ...

Posted by Howard McQueen on November 18, 2009 at 8:31am

(C) 2009 Howard McQueenWhat would our life experience be like if we were to:- Rest the mind and allow all of its manufacturing operations to wind down.- Fully felt and acknowledged all the stored/stuck emotions we have hidden away.- Treated our body as the sacred, organic vessel for the remainder of this brief incarnation.What would our life experience be like?Perhaps you would care to share you sense of these possibilities with me - Howard@mcq.com

A Contemporary Buddhist Psychology

Posted by Bill Walz on November 17, 2009 at 9:55pm

A CONTEMPORARY BUDDHIST PSYCHOLOGYBy Bill WalzWestern clinical psychology focuses on the personal experience and history of an individual. As such, it explores a person’s distortions and confusions in perceptions, thoughts, emotions and behavior. It examines a person’s sense of self in relationship to their internal mental experience and their social interactions. Collectively these experiences comprise the personal egoic identity, a person’s sense of self-in-the-world as a separate entity in existence, seeking to find safety and significance.While this is a very valuable study, it struggles to be a complete enough model to bring truly transformational psychological healing. Might we rather examine how true psychological healing would harmonize the individual egoic dimension with a realm of mind that is deeper, yet one largely neglected by Western psychology – awareness itself. We need an awareness-centered trans-egoic psychology.For this, one effective approach is to bring the wisdom of ancient Buddhism into a modern context. While Buddhism is recognized as a religion, or a philosophy of life, it is, in a certain sense, an ancient-culture trans-egoic psychology. It is possible, borrowing from this tradition, to develop a completely modern trans-egoic psychology that honors the best psychological insights from both the ancient Buddhist and the modern clinical worlds.When looking at Western and Buddhist psychology, the principle difference between them is in the model of mind. Western psychology is basically two-dimensional. It recognizes the conscious and sub-conscious dimensions of the egoic mind, while Buddhist psychology, in addition to recognizing the egoic realm, also recognizes and emphasizes a higher and deeper realm of pure undifferentiated awareness. These realms of higher and deeper awareness are seen in Buddhism as the realm of our true, unconditioned self, as well as the realm of universal consciousness and interconnectedness. This psychological perspective holds that it is only when these ego-transcendent dimensions of mind are experienced as the primary sense of self, rather than some vague metaphysical backdrop, that harmony and wisdom can be brought forward as the guiding consciousness for healthy egoic functioning.Buddhist psychology and Western psychology both agree that the egoic experience is the product of conditioning, both bio-genetic-neurological and experiential. The difference is that Western psychology operates solely at this level, limiting its therapies to modifying the egoic mind’s most dysfunctional aspects through medication and emotion/thought-structure and behavioral counseling and interpretation. It can relieve grosser incapacitating symptoms, but does not offer a real cure. It is a mental illness model; it does not have a model for true mental health, while Buddhist psychology doesBuddhism recognizes the egoic dimension of mind to be a superficial, limited and deeply flawed mental representation of reality comprised of a matrix of concepts conditioned or programmed into the individual by genetic pre-disposition, society, culture, family and personal experience, creating, in a sense, an artificial reality. As it is superficial, limited and flawed, when ego is experienced as the primary dimension of mind and the seat of the self, humans suffer from a distorted sense of self-in-the-world, leading to distorted psychological, social, even spiritual functioning. In the non-scientific, metaphorical manner of Buddhism, this realm of mental representations or forms is referred to as “little mind,” while the realm of the unconditioned higher consciousness is referred to as “big mind,” the mind of all-inclusive awareness.The little egoic mind exists within the big mind of clear awareness that is the unwavering witness to our experience. Our problems stem from the little egoic dimension, with all its conflicts and contradictions, being experienced as the primary, even the only, dimension of identity and reality. Little egoic mind is the mind of condensed fragments drawn from the limitless reality of life-as-it-is, creating the experience of personal separateness in a universe of separateness. It is so limited that, in Buddhism, it is referred to as the mind of “illusion” (samsara), life-as-we-imagine-it. Since it is a severely limited representation of the total integrated potential of life, it is deeply flawed in its representation. As this perspective is basic to modern life, we are faced with the situation, then, that we all are, more or less, crazy.Western psychology then, is designed to address the “more” end of the spectrum, to help people stay within social “norms”, many of which are so arbitrary and limiting as to be crazy themselves in the bigger picture of human potential. The frame of reference for egoic little mind is always the mental forms of “me” and “the world-as-I-project-it-to-be.” It shapes what is possible in perception, thought and emotional/behavioral response to what has already been conditioned into a person as possible. As these perceptions are fraught with all the contradictions and conflicts inherent in the cross-purposes and confusions of their influences, which in turn, have been shaped by the egoic purposes of the forces that created them, it all adds up to a feedback loop that makes for insane people in an insane world, unconscious of the possibilities for real sanity.A contemporary Buddhist psychology is based in the Buddhist observation that we have sense perceptions, thoughts and emotions, but we are not these sense perceptions, thoughts and emotions. We are much more. These mental phenomena are but psychological tools for conceptualizing, experiencing and engaging the world. We are, at our essence, the clear undifferentiated awareness within which the perceptions, thoughts and emotions of the egoic mind arise and pass – here – in this contemporary modern life. It is the mind of awareness that can access the true nature and potentiality of Life – much larger than the limited perspective of conditioned ego.Such a psychology, of course, is also sophisticated in understanding and working with egoic mind, but it makes clear that who we are in our essence is not contained within the limits of our egoic mind. It is a psychology that holds that the ego’s conditioning can be transcended. It is a liberation from the confines of ego, about being a fully realized human being. It teaches that a person can essentially be healed of psychological dysfunction by shifting the sense of self from a locus solely in the egoic personality into primarily the transcendent dimensions of mind. It teaches that we can observe the distortions of the conditioned mind and make appropriate corrections from a dimension of perceiving wisdom deeper than thought. This realization is what Buddhism calls, “awakening.” Egoic identity is experienced as useful for social and utilitarian purposes, but no longer held as a person’s existential core.Healthy ego is important. This is not an either-or proposition. Ego is what makes humans unique and gives us the ability to engage the world creatively. It contains our faculties for language, ideas and invention. It is our capacity to live in the abstractions of human society. But in a Buddhist trans-egoic model, when awareness and connectedness replace ego and separateness as the centerpiece of mind, the dysfunctionality of egoic experience can be greatly transcended. Egoic content can also be reconditioned through mindful perceptions and responses into a more effective, accurate and personally secure self-in-the-world.Ego can now let go of its defensiveness, its need to dominate, to be right and significant. It can let go of its personal story of conflict as the measure of its importance. It can let go of its wounds. It can rest and heal, divesting itself of the life-long build-up of energy hoarded for its self-protection. It can relax. This allows for an authentic personality to shine through that has depth, ease, presence and effectiveness. The mystical Zen concept of “being nobody,” which means being fundamentally empty of identity in the neurotic conditioning of ego, then becomes comprehensible as a viable, highly effective way of being in the world.“So, challenges the Zen master, “Show me your original face.”From this orientation, the egoic dimension can also be reconciled with the higher and collective dimensions of mind that connect us to spiritual experience. This melding opens for a person the capacity to live from a wisdom and sense of connection within life. Instead of tampering with the parts, this psychology returns the person to their origin in healthy wholeness, nurturing the development of a vibrant, sane and wise personality.Thought and emotion can now work effectively for us. Confusion evaporates, and we are no longer the prisoner of our thoughts, emotions and behavioral reactions. We become a more liberated and aware person living with an intuitive grasp of the appropriate role for ego in our lives. We become truly “awake” in our lives, experiencing with clarity our multi-dimensional reality of ego and awareness as the truth of who we are.

THE SOAP OPERA OF SEEKING

Posted by Howard McQueen on November 17, 2009 at 11:22am

© 2009 Howard McQueenDon’t worry over seeking absolute truths.Better to cease cherishing the personally held opinions.When your sensibilities are challenged and you are offended,watch the courtroom dramas unfold.Try dismissing the courtroom and go work in the garden.The soap opera is energized when you feel injustice beginning to plot its revenge.Fear, anger and grief are the combustible fuel for our journey.Know you will either burn up from the inside outor harness these trapped energiesin the service of love and evolution.

CHOOSING TO BE VITAL OR STALE

Posted by Howard McQueen on November 17, 2009 at 5:52am

© 2009 Howard McQueenDo we choose to become vitalor do we choose to become stale?Every day presents these choices.Do we give in to the gravity of forced habitor do we choose to skate out at the edge,where the ice is thin.Do we keep doggedly pursuing our single grains of treasure,continue stroking that which brings us pleasure,or do we surrender to the callings of our heartand become pathless,before we become formless?For too long the ripe fruit has hung on the tree,for too long I’ve held on to securityand it has slowly been embalming mein my tiny held comforts.I sense the gypsy calling to be freedthe ancient fragrant rose unfolding,the stone tumbled in its rivergrows round, smooth and polished.I sense ecstasy and delight in these choices to let go,connecting to the vital mystery, entering the unknowing flow.

TIMELESS LOVE

Posted by Howard McQueen on November 11, 2009 at 8:00am

© 2009 Howard McQueenIn the twelfth century on the Saharan caravan, I whisperedHoratio, I shall always love you.And in the fifteenth century, on the Rialto bridge, I pressed my body into yours and whisperedRegina, I will adore you throughout eternity.This love affair has been going on,often ever so secretly,for thousands of years.And, here we are, finding ourselves againas we progress from 2009 into 2010and on this new day,I proclaim, to all of youWe are of One family,One life form,vibrating and radiating through billions of faceted faces.We are bound by love,We are bound and destined to loveeach other.All other behavior is but drama,Our dharma for having momentarily lost our way,the ignorance stemming from misplacingour authentic rites of passage.Our human rites of passage have been recovered and resurrected,waiting now for others to practice and come on board.This is the time to be courageous through the heart.Much must be released and undone,all these toxic habits and beliefs to which we have clung,for so very long.Thus the Great Cleansing begins in earnest, againAnd I proclaim yet again:I love you my brother and my sister,my father and my mother,and my lover,Do not forget this!We are beginning our pilgrimage.we will greet each otherAnd we will exchange the secret handshakeOr speak the sacred phraseOr exchange the kiss of awakeningOr shed the bittersweet tears of releaseAnd we will remember why we chose to againIncarnate and share our sublime love.

RESCUING & REPARENTING THE INNER CHILD

Posted by Howard McQueen on November 6, 2009 at 8:30am

© 2009 Howard McQueenCan we find, in every moment of our life,the sweet gratitude for just being aliveto experience whatever the moment brings?Including, but clearly not limited to all the moments held in our past. Such as:• the unconscious person who crashed their car into us• the parent or guardian that sexually abused us• the ex-spouse that mistreated and then abandoned us• the young children that mocked and made fun of us when we were young• the supervisor that did not treat us fairlyAll those times when we failed to live in our heart and used manipulation and aggression on others.The world according to how humans currently treat each other can be filled with callous and sometimes brutal behaviors.I was at lunch yesterday sitting in the bar area. Sports commentary was on audio and the TV facing me was silently broadcasting Jerry Springer and then Maury P???. This was like a silent picture show, so the highly charged emotional human characters were appearing as in a well-rehearsed, outrageous drama. All the characters were inflamed, there faces contorted. This was a cathartic circus!If we were only to take the time to peer below all these symptoms, what we will uncover is the frightened inner child posing as an adult, wildly trying to protect and defend itself from the inflammation of cruelty, intermittent rage and non-acceptance from elders, and parents and guardians exceedingly inconsistent in their application of unconditional love. The child in most of us adults does not feel that the world is a safe place to exhibit joy or to keep the doors of the heart and mind open to innocence and discovery.Intellectually, some of us adults can understand this dilemma.Emotionally, most of us adults are just beginning to grasp the tools that we can wield to assure our own inner child that the world is safe "enough"[1]. It starts with uncovering the suffocating and numbed child within. This child is allowed to cry out in deep fear and despair, its long heralded protests for having been abandoned, silenced, kept at bay.The frightened child holds on to a set of emotional-mental stored vibrational fragments. Some reflect feelings of being unconditionally loved and accepted. Amongst these fragments also exist inflamed poisons of fear, anger and grief that erode and undermine all sense of safety.Our innermost adult emotional navigator is this frightened, highly insecure child. Our ability to nurture, create and sustain authentic relationships with others is locked and buried away in our child, the child we essentially abandoned in order to conform to making our way in the world of adults. We abandoned our child seeking the presence of innocence and joy and instead clothed ourselves in pretence and in-authenticity to become adult. Were we to look at the rites of passage that supported this transformation, I believe most of us would acknowledge an absence of reverence or sacredness.When we look at the behavior of how adults treat adults, we can come to appreciate how thin the veneer of self-love, self-compassion, self-respect. Without deep reserves of appreciation of self, without the constant, vigilant practice of honoring self, we are lost in the reflections of others and flaming the projections of our worst childhood fears, angers, grievances and grief.THE INNER JOURNEY: RESCUE AND REPARENT THE INNER CHILDAs things have been revealed to me, we have this huge human / humane mission to bring our awareness and commitment to rescuing and re-parenting our inner child.Until this becomes job number one, we as a species will continue to have our lives ruled by the six year old frightened and insecure child, permanently installed as emotional navigator, actor guild and director. Give that child (now adult) power and money and the child behaves like the politician, or the wealthy egomaniac.I could go on and on in developing this theme (and over time, I will).In the mean time, perhaps some of you may want to communicate your own feelings ...Howard@mcq.comCheers,Howard McQueen[1] Of course, the external world can never be completely safe, so there is this acceptance needed to trust and allow whatever experience to guide and shape us, during our brief visit on this earth

... TULIP FIELDS OF ZANDILAND (Part 3)

Posted by Howard McQueen on November 3, 2009 at 6:53pm

Tulip Fields of Zandiland (Part 3) 11/02/09(C) 2009 Howard McQueenDecision made. Head towards the windmill.The weather is like a perpetual early summer morning, the ground exudes a natural warmth. My feet and toes sink down into the loamy earth about three inches. After taking a few steps I look back and my initial indentations in the soil have almost disappeared. Mmmmm, more unusual terra behaviors. An inner voice says “you won’t be able to find you way back” and I stop to reflect, then realize that I really have nothing to return to, other than the memory that this specific place is where I first awakened. There is not anything to demarcate this spot from any other spots in the tulip fields – wait, my crow’s view memory is jogged and I see that I am at the intersection of three patches of red, orange and yellow tulip patterns, each pattern is the shape of a one-sided butterf’y wing. I mentally jot down R-O-Y Butterfly wing and this will have to do for my awakening address. I start stepping forward again towards the windmill with the slightest tinge of a growing anxiety.I notice that there is a concentration of clouds forming just above the horizon. Patterns and silvery shapes are emerging. The distant horizon shifts, becoming my much more immediate foreground in my sky now, and I watch the soft shapes of silvery cities rapidly assembling themselves. My peripheral vision of everything else is shifting into a shadowy grayscale. My body is becoming cool and slightly numb. I feel like I am being flooded with anxiety and memory fragments are rudely jolting my mind.My view shifts and I can tell that I my eyes are closed and that the view screens are now the insides of my eyelids. My stomach is intensely cramping and my naval radiates excruciating pain. My body is tightly doubled up, in fetal position and I am now wildly hallucinating visual images. Something queues me to remember that this is a stored memory in my mind from an age of time when I was perhaps five.I witness my awareness of self as a small child. I am experiencing my sense of my little body evaporating as I run wildly into the refuge of my mind. I sense a deep fear and foreboding arising, and it feels like I am being enveloped in a thick, sticky black as night molasses. It is oozing all over me and is now rising up above my chest, rapidly flowing over my ears, mouth and throat. I panic and start to black out, but not completely. A dim awareness is still present. It has a quiet voice which is whispering to me, “what you are witnessing are classic signs of your stored trauma. You are being asked to witness and relive a deep fear, something profound enough to cause you in your childhood to loose consciousness.” And then it says “try feeling your body”. And I do, and I see that my body is completely numb, deeply shut down as if it is experiencing shock. The inside of my eyelids now light up, and it seems that I am looking into brightly backlit kaleidoscopes, playing fantastic shifting images and symbols.I again see images of the silvery super-fortress city, and at the center this castle is forming. It is a grand kingdom, a mental super fortress in the sky. My mind is urging me to transport there. A platinum moped flashes into my kaleidoscope vision and I am urged to hop on to escape the imposing fear of my …FATHER. Ohhhh noooooo, not me daddy, noooottttt me …I feel another wave of numbing anesthetic coldness course through me and I relax, even more deeply.I am an adult, perhaps mid 50 sitting in a loving communications group session in Asheville. I am speaking about the flash rage I first consciously experienced from my dad, when I was about five. At lunch, I had spew-vomited across the table on him and then with my childish abandoned hilarity, laughed at the insanity of the moment. I watch my dad’s face contort and turn a deep beet red. I see the veins in his neck swell and pop out. I see this angry mask, once his face, pull tight, like he is preparing for the fight of his life. He stands up and rushes at me and …One of the facilitators gently speaks up. She is inviting me to witness my annihilation by my father. What? I look around the room and almost everyone is in deep meditation, except the two facilitators. They both indicate that this is a completely safe place for me, so I close my eyes and take the invitation, and I begin to feel the sensation of being back handed, repeatedly, by my father. In my imagining, I wince, and then the beating escalates. This beating is not from a form I would know as my father. My dad has transformed into a big black alpha male gorilla-ape, beating me merciless to the point where I begin to swoon. There is complete silence and darkness. Then, the scene shifts and I am lying, face up in about eighteen inches of gentle, warm lapping surf. My broken and bloody body has drifted over a shallow coral bed and has been caught in the coral. I can somehow see myself, all battered and torn, and surprisingly, this actually brings me consolation. I sense I am nearing my death, but do not despair, as there is this feeling of acceptance – resignation and with that, a relaxing. I hear sea gulls nearby. I feel the nibble of minnows already beginning to snack on what meat and flesh remains of me. The sky is this luscious inviting vanilla and there is now this profound sense of peace. I know my letting go is imminent now, and the world will take over and begin reclaiming the broken vessel that was mine to inhabit. And I sigh once more, looking out at this incredibly raw, tropical paradise and deeply breath out and then I do, finally, fully let go …There is an unwavering stillness and silence.My eyes are closed and they are very moist. There is a translucent light, like sunlight diffusing through white, raw silk drapery. There is a gentle warmness. I feel hands wrapped around the top of my head and neck, gently rocking and massaging me.“Come out of your head dear child” is a felt message, coming to me without any voice, more of a musical lullabyThis vibrational voice brings a raising of the veil of anesthesia. I taste clarity.I have the sensation that there are hands around my head, pulling me gently through warm water. My imagination flashes to the form of a long tadpole-snake, wiggling and slithering. Wow, if I were to have a body behind this head, it would be gracefully flowing and undulating behind me. I don’t feel any of my skeletal structure to confirm this. What I do sense is being surrounded by a vast Oceanus of life, an amniotic Oneness with what I am swimming in. I feel a teeming connection to ancient life forms, to images of mammals resolving as squid, dolphin, whale, seal, sea lion, otter. My head breaks the surface of the water and something, an aperture? Opens. A great spurt of spent air is exhausted and a rapid deep inhale is made, and I dive deeply back under. Blowhole in the top of my head, wow.I feel the mother of the sea cradling me, caressing me to her bosom, birthing me through this amniotic seascape. I feel the vast ocean as an overwhelming felt presence of gratitude and my heart opens to take everything in …“The world is a much safer and infinitely richer place than living in your self-constructed mental super fortress” the voice says again. And then it says, you’ve been taken through a rapid evolution of life in the seas, and now it is your turn again to again come alive, in this bipedal body. You are coming again to the shore, that millennia ago life crawled from. Take hold of this solid ground that you are again choosing to walk confidently upon. We creatures of the sea love you. We count on you to bring conscious awareness to life above the water line. Bless you. Walk tall and confident in the radiant light as well as your cast out shadows that brought you to us again. Now, take a deep breath and relax before you open your eyes.I comply and follow my breath inward and then out deeply and I open my eyes and find that I have to blink several times as everything is seemingly out of focus. Another deep breath and this begins to bring some focus. Mmmm. I am staring at a close up of something round, slightly indented, a bit hairy, smudged with loam. It is a … hairy naval? Wow. I breathe again and hmmm, the naval rises a bit towards my face and then it recedes in synchronization to my breath. I realize that could perhaps be my naval?I cast my eyes down and to my surprise I see in rather dim light, something like a chest. Disorientation catches me by surprise and my mind tilts slightly. I close my eyes and breath deeply for several breaths. The voice within says “everything is always based upon perspective and orientation. Sometimes when things are turned topsy-turvey, we can see new beginnings.”My head is upside down. Right. Now, still not opening my eyes, I send out feelers to bring sensation and feedback from my body. Ahhh, my body is no longer cold or numb and it responds with a flood of feelings, including tingling in all my extremities. I will my fingers to gently massage my head and I become aware that it is my hands that are holding my head, upside down. My breathing is shallow and my chest feels deflated and compressed. An inner felt presence resonates and flows through my body, bringing with it warm, channeled energy from my central heart core.“Your body-mind-emotions are interfacing now in much more obvious and interactive way. This is to assist you become more aware of yourself as a multi-dimensional being. It will also help you heal yourself much more rapidly. It works something like this: When your stored emotional baggage surfaces, these hi-jackings will become much more obvious in disturbing your physiology, giving you instant access to cause and effect.”Intellectually this is making perfect sense, but I sense I need a concrete visual and felt example to bring the concept home. The inner felt presence suggests “indeed, you will. Slowly begin raising your head with your hands, remembering to breath and then begin engaging your neck and back muscles – but very, very slowly”.As I do this, I open my eyes and my vision begins to pivot from my naval, down to the ground and then I am slowly seeing the horizon and really now feeling my neck and back muscles and the beginnings of feeling my spine and rib cage. Over the next several minutes I am able to raise my head directly above my shoulders and it now stabilizes with the assistance of all my muscles and tendons welcoming me with a warmth and deliciousness I’ve never known before. Or, am I just remembering how in touch I was with my body when I was a young child?I am now being shown a slow motion replay on the inside of my eyelids of what my body just went through. I am watching what looks like a miraculous contortionist Circ de Soleil act with my body unraveling and re-inflating. This cannot be my body, I’ve always been stiff as a rail.The inner voice replies “This is the work-in-process you. You are rewriting and revising your DNA. The oceanic voyage you traveled through reawakened in you the stored multiverse of ancient life form DNA you share with all creatures. Your body is now a dynamic composite of all life, capable, at this time, of modest realignment and transformation.What you just experienced was the result of your stored emotions of fear/anger/grief surfacing and hi-jacking your awareness. Most of the human species believes this store of emotions exists only in their past, but in reality, this energy is stored within your energetic emotional body, with your physical body providing the storage and container. Your revised programming now expresses these emotional disconnects in ways that will allow you to become instantly intimate with. Whereas in the past, you chose to escape into the mind, what you will now be triggering is a brief deformity of the body and then the increased awareness to reconnect to the body, feel you emotional disconnects, heal yourself and have the feedback of the body realigning to assist you in this process. As you master the skills to place your awareness back into the body and reclaim your cast-out emotions, you will honor the emotional-mental-body wounded-ness you are carrying with you and you will integrate this and heal yourself.You are currently activating and rewriting about twice your DNA. Most of this is being done through increased activation in the right brain, however, considerable bandwidth connectivity is also occurring between the right brain and your heart. As you learn to control your shift into unconscious stored pain and back out again, all of these will become very natural to you.My memory of my father and my annihilation is a cooling lump in my chest, like an almost fully melted ice cube.“Would you like to begin healing this emotional-mental-physical illness?” Yes, I say, and I immediately know that this is done by surrendering to my heart and using the gift of forgiveness. My inner voice begins and I am speaking these words in unison “I forgive myself for buying into the emotional and mental pain that has covered this planet and being passed down from generation to generation. I forgive myself for blaming my dad for passing down his inherited pain to me, and I forgive myself for passing this pain on to others, infecting them and their lives.” And the resonance that is returned from speaking this blessing carries the words “this world was never out to punish or persecute me. This was part of my indoctrination into this world and the grip that fear/anger/grief has on the emotional and mental bodies of almost every human. This pain is an ancient survival energy, easily tripped and re-armed in childhood, waiting to be born and cripple its host again, to infect the innocence and open heart of all young children. It has been essential that you become infected and struggle with this disease. Only recently have humans been activating their awareness and invoking the ancient rites of passage to bring integrative healing. You are welcomed into this interim rite of passage.”Interim?Yes, the you and your experience in this world is phase-shifted so as to co-exist with the you in the world you have awakened from. When you have been fully indoctrinated in this world and have completed your healing, the awakened and healed you will be introduced back into the world you came from. Enough questions for now, however. The answers will come to you naturally through your experiences here.What have you learned thus far?That if I become lost in my stored, emotionally charged memories, my body will contract and collapse, reminding me that I’ve left my body and have taken up refuge in my mind.Yes, exactly! What else?Until I honor and experience the stored emotional energies through feeling them fully, I will continue to sabotage my body.Indeed.Is there anything else you can share with me?Yes. Before long, you will meet others like you. There will be many experiences, each stirring up latent emotions in you and you in them. Your quest will be to relearn how to become intimate with yourself, while you are also being intimate with another. This will be the most challenging work you have ever undertaken.Unbeknownst to me, a phase shift occurs and the me back on the conventional earth experience is sitting in a Satsang. My right brain is being teased and activated. I sit and marinate in these feelings. Later that night, I put into words these feelings and write poetry that actually surprises me, as it is a slight departure from what normally rolls out of me. I wonder, what really is going on under the hood of this me that is opening up to so much that was once hidden?YUMMY IN THE TUMMY OF LOVE© 2009 Howard McQueenI am feeling more than just a little bit giddybeing in the presence of Lovewith all of you.It stirs up song, holding hands, hugging and kissing, waltzing,giving in, completely and totally,to the service of whatever needs doing in Love’s kitchen.There is no rhyme, reason or meaning to be had from Loving.It is a luscious, in-light-en-ing, in the body experiencing.It is rubbing the love-of-self balm all over your insidesuntil you quiver and tingle on the outside,and all your cares of self wash away in jubilationand celebrationwhilst being swept into a giddy reverence,a sacred sweaty river dance,in the full moon lightexpressing loveunconditionally,irreverently,boldly,quietly,giggling sometimesand sometimes slack jawedand speechless at the profound liberationfor witnessing love and joy bloomin another,even if but fora few seconds …We children-of-love, we don’t discern seconds,we live in the timeless envelop of love and joy.And, in our reckless abandonment of all the rules, regs, policies and procedures,we are a beacon, encouraging others to come home to roost in the sweet innocence of play.Love demands that we let go and completely surrendereverything false:Pride,age,shame,blame,all habits,including the manufacturing of revenue;and the baked in mis-representations and gospels of our culture.All this held-in-evidence, Love cleanses and sets on fire,Inviting us to put everything personal asideand just glowand quiverand be completely vulnerableand cluelessand Innocentand blissfully ignorant;empty of answers to all the wrong questions.Like “what’s going to happen to me in the future”or“what will others think of me”.Love invites a pure, clean letting go of the future,Love removes all bookmarks and road-blocks stored in the past.We are invited into the complete unknowing of the momentto die and be carried by the universal vibration and current of Love.Love asks everything, the complete 100% of you.Will you surrender to the embrace of Love and give it all up?The world is re-forming, awakening in youthe invitation to step into “making it all up,a fresh beginning, a starting all over again”.It just might be the yummiest undoing of your life!~ ~ ~;-) Dang, Love done come up and just plum swallowed me whole!!!(to be continued …)

BEING LAUGHED AT – SECOND TIME 'ROUND

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 29, 2009 at 5:30pm

© 2009 Howard McQueenI was in a group awareness circle a couple of weeks ago. A friend immediately to my right spontaneously burst into a puppet show, using only his two bare hands, contrived voices and facial expressions. The entire group rose into waves of hilarity. As his act concluded, I was aroused further by a memory of my own and I spoke up and proclaimed my presence to speak in the circle.Everyone’s attention turned to me and I spoke very briefly of an event this spring with my family. There was still so much residual laughter flowing I had to stop and wait before continuing.It was very awkward and I felt very vulnerable feeling into this laughter, i.e. it brought up sensations of being laughed at. Everyone was looking directly at me. The facilitator even left his spot to my left and moved into the circle so he would have a front row seat to observe me.I thought flashed through my mind “how am I ever going to top the previous puppet act? A bit of anxiety followed this comparison. Nope, this has nothing to do with topping. What I was drawing to myself was all about a group of people laughing “at me”.Flash back to the fall of 1964The first day classes began for seventh grade I began not knowing a single face. My family had moved that summer from Goldsboro NC to Savannah,. Ga and my dad had retired from the Air Force. Teacher had just asked each person in the class to stand up and tell what they did during the summer. I was a bit nervous, not knowing anyone and such. When I stood up and began to speak, my voice cracked (like the skinny tall kid in Spanky and Our Gang).EVERY SINGLE CHILD LAUGHED.I deeply contracted at the laughing.I spoke some more and my voice cracked some more and there was the roar of laughter, filling my head with fear. I suspect I forgot to breathe. I looked at the only adult, the teacher and she was smiling, which my mind construed to believe that she was holding back, if only momentarily, her own laughter.I became motified, terrorized by the taunting laughter of my peers. This fear escalated further that year and the fear deeply etched into my mental/emotional bodies. I tried sedation, i.e. sneaking in prescription cough syrup and guzzling this just before I had to speak. I would move to the rear of the room to avoid being seen or called on.Later on in life, in my mid 30s, I became a workshop leader and a polished presenter. I relied heavily on powerpoint slides and scripted linear presenting. I knew my material inside out, and this allowed me to take questions improvisation-ally. Inwardly I realized I was still holding the fear, but the ultra well-preparedness and “expertise” helped offset this.That is, until I have to speak from my most authentic self, a self that has too little experience with itself.Back in the circle, real timeI am now back in the circle, allowing the laughter to wash over me. It is a little bit edgy for me, as I keep feeling the pain and terror of the past trying to animate me. I just allow it to play out, and everyone becomes quite, and I tell my story about being at lunch this past spring with my family and grabbing my plastic cup with a top and animating the the top so that it was speaking for me (the "high maintenance customer"), which set everyone at the table into insane hilarity. I realized that this is the gift of spontaneity, responding in the moment, not trying hard to entertain or call attention to yourself, just being joyful and free.The group was no longer laughing, but there were smiles on their face as they joined me in this experience, this coming to terms with what was so emotionally jolting and imprisoning back in 1964.Healing can come whenever we step into the moment and rest in peace with what is animating us. Healing is so incredibly multi-dimensional, reaching back into our past, paying forward our increasingly authentic experience welcoming more and more responsiveness with life.If you have stories to share, howard@mcq.com. I will maintain anonymity if you so desire.

... TULIP FIELDS OF ZANDILAND (Part 2)

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 24, 2009 at 9:30am

Part 2 (Awakening in the Tulip Fields) / (continued from Part 1)© 2009 Howard McQueen | howard@mcq.comAs I look back down upon my reflected, mulch-covered nakedness, I see that the mulch clinging to me is being transformed. It somehow is being absorbed by my body and I am being adorned with these large splotches of brown, gold and bronze pigments. They are slowly moving and spreading.I am sensing they are in orchestration to join in formation the symbolic patterns that arose and faded in me just a few minutes ago.The sound of the magic flute resonates within me, and then there is this felt-resonance and response within the tulip fields, like they all joined in and blew a kiss my way.I am transfixed by this sense of kiss and am moved to rapture ... this moment unfolds,and I am pulled out of rapture by something flying by overhead. It is carrying a golden sack and a seam opens and a deep goldenrod stream of pollen like flakes slowly drift down toward me. As they touch my skin, they melt and join the body painting already underway. These golden flakes also more deeply penetrate, seemingly finding there way into the flesh surrounding my heart.There is a perceptible shift, just for a moment, and I witness my visual perception looking out from the moon. The earth is aglow with organic fireworks, like everywhere there are carnival celebrations with fireworks marking their spots. As I watch the earth, the colors seem to fade, but then they shift to a mandala pattern, like that of looking into a kaleidoscope I remember this pattern being laid down by a traveling Buddhist troupe visiting Savannah. They spent two weeks piping colored sand pigments into this vivid energizing pattern - then they swept it all up and poured this gift into the Savannah River. Oh my god, I get it ...The earth collage now warmly pulses and I feel this pulsation, my own body taking up the synchronized rhythm.I am back now amongst the tulips and am eager to pee. As I begin to urinate, the stream is multicolored and braided and way lighter than it should be, as it does not touch down. The stream defies gravity and floats in the air, weaving a serpentine path. As I watch this navigating phenomena, the stream unbraids into countless tiny rivlets. I close my eyes and my consciousness is teleported to that of a hawks view. The various colored rivlets are each magnetically being pulled to the corresponding colored tulip patches where they are received and absorbed.I teleport back to my body and feel a visceral itch like wave rippling across the entirety of my skin. As this feeling unfolds, colored patches of my epidermis are sloughing off. As this old skin pulls free of my body, this old pieces of me float upwards and gently explode, creating translucent colored clouds of spoor. Emanating from these clouds are sounds, something akin to the soft whispered warblings of ancient Irish bag pipes. I sense that it is the vibratic sound making them rise upwards into the rich vanilla-ness of the sky.Something about the sky seems to have changed near the horizon. There is movement, like a mirage. It is growing and coming towards me, rapidly.I drop down on my knees in deep wonder as large streams of butterflies dive into the spoor clouds. I can see that they are harvesting the spoor, as the colors are being collected on their wings. The odd thing is they are gliding, almost never beating their wings.How is this all possible?The rules of engagement and interaction have been retired and are being rewritten by you and others responds my heart.Wow. Ask the right questions and you shall receive. I bow my head in deep reverence to this unfolding mystery. Tears stream out of my eyes and ears and nose and …I remember a long forgotten golden guidance"stay in my heart and remain transfixed in being with the diret experience. It is the much preferred teacher to the head that just wants to incessantly ask questions and not really know how to join into the heart-felt yummyness of magic and miracles.And thus my heart provides, know that you are in the tulip fields of magic and miracles. More will be revealed as you take it all in and more fully explore.Yes Way! May I please have more of this grand experience, this magically interconnected ecology with my new world.Hmmm. I feel a hankering for a big bowl of rice pudding coming on real strong. It is about time to set forth and begin a broader reconnoiter with this thus far yummy world ...(to be continued)

AWAKENING IN THE TULIP FIELDS OF ZANDILAND

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 24, 2009 at 12:00am

Note: This is my first foray into pseudo fantasy-fiction. The intent is to stay true to the felt-feelings and let those weave the story …© 2009 Howard McQueen | howard@mcq.comMmmmm.I am gently awakening up towards the surface of life.I smell a deep fragrance.I sense that I am exquisitely comfortable in my body.Absent are the nagging aches and pains.Hmmm, I don’t feel like I have my PJ on or sheets covering me.NOPE, not gonna open my eyes just yet.I breathe deeply and my chest rises and I am not on bed linensMy head moves and I find it is cradled in something soft and slightly loamy.There are still notes from the magic flute of last night replaying in my head.This fragrance is so_ooO very intoxicating.I open my eyesand discover I am lying in a freshly mulched flower bed, surrounded by many tulips.How did this come about?Inquisitively I raise up my chin and my hands press deeply into the ultra-rich loamy soil.From two feet above ground now, I survey this situation.I am surrounded by bright, multi-colored tulips as far as my eyes can carry me.The sky is this translucent, rich, almost iridescent vanilla.In the distance, it appears that there is something hanging, perhaps moving.Thank goodness my glasses are still round my neck.I reach up to wipe my eyes and I discover my face, hands, and arms are partially caked with the deep browns and golds of the richest mulch - something to be encountered only in a dream.No wonder these tulips are flourishing and at their peak. .On go the glasses and I raise myself up on one kneeAnd now I see I am surrounded by tens of thousands of blooming tulips all bowing down their heads in my direction.I grin deeply and feel a bit tipsy, like I am being held in some magnetic epicentric-ity.This triggers a remembering, in a vague, dreamy sort of way. I was giddily smitten at Jeannie Zandi's gathering last night.How did I get here?What is here?Hmmmmm. The words Divas of the Heart arise.I stand up. Indeed, I have no clothes on, except the blotchy mulch that clings to me from head to toe.This will do just fine, for now.There are tulips literally saturated everywhere and every single one is in the perfect crispness of bloom. They form swathes of colors, the larger pattern reflections call deep inside me and touch symbols that stir a warm inquisitiveness -- images arise like rising effervescence, revealing subtle patterns that then slowly fade away.Mmmmm, a gentle breeze carries the waif of a new scent, just as exotic and pungent as the one before.I can see a windmill, way off in the distance – Holland, California, Taos, The tulips of ZandiLand? – OK, we'll go with this naming - ZandiLand.I have no cell phone, no ipod, no watch, no currency, no idWow! I pause to marvel at this lacking of everything external and worldly,and am set warmly aglow, a bubbling over ebullience, and discover “its all ok”.I remember a word, predicament, but this holds no emotional content.I remember the words, alone, lonely, but these words as well find no home to land.A small formation of butterfly swing by, weaving theirintimately felt welcoming as their wings brush my skin as they spiral around me and depart.I marvel that I've never seen butterflies in formation. What the ?I realize that ever since I woke up, I have been living the rhythm of feeling perfectly in harmony with my body and everything else.Hmmmm. Check, check. Is this a dream?Yes, and No resonates within.Hmmmm.The perfect harmony remains intact, without a single crack.And what I feel now is the sheer delight of floating gently in the unresolved paradox.Why should any answer from the mind matter in any way whatsoever.This harmonious, felt sense of inner dialog,is radiating, it feels, like, out from my heart.I take a deep breath, and yet another againand I know I am breathing more deeply than normal.Perhaps I am taking in enriched tulip oxygen!Giggle and snort – I just made that up.A gigantic grin becomes plastered over my face, radiating and gushing hilarity and joy.Now I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the words that have jumped out and quivering about, speak and resonant a vivid, blissful ecstasy.I pause.I allow my mind to publish this very briefest of story lines and it writes"Perhaps I''ve been drugged and road-tripped,"and then I take the reigns back and finish off the verse"and I hope that no one returning expects to find my ass, ha!"Hmmm. Why can’t I raise up even the slightest vibration of fear or anxiety?I am just so completely connected to this unwavering, felt-depth of experience,this connectedness to natural beauty and the rhythm of this world I find myself dropping into!(to be continued … Go to Part 2 of Awakening in the Tulip Fields of Zandiland

YUMMY IN THE TUMMY OF LOVE

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 23, 2009 at 9:00am

(inspired in satsang with Jeannie Zandi | Thursday Oct-22, 2009 | Asheville)© 2009 Howard McQueenI am feeling more than just a little bit giddybeing in the presence of Lovewith all of you.It stirs up song, holding hands, hugging and kissing, waltzing,giving in, completely and totally,to the service of whatever needs doing in Love’s kitchen.There is no rhyme, reason or meaning to be had from Loving.It is a luscious, in-light-en-ing, in the body experiencing.It is rubbing the love-of-self balm all over your insidesuntil you quiver and tingle on the outside,and all your cares of self wash away in jubilationand celebrationwhilst being swept into a giddy reverence,a sacred sweaty river dance,in the full moon lightexpressing loveunconditionally,irreverently,boldly,quietly,giggling sometimesand sometimes slack jawedand speechless at the profound liberationfor witnessing love and joy bloomin another,even if but fora few seconds …We children-of-love, we don’t discern seconds,we live in the timeless envelop of love and joy.And, in our reckless abandonment of all the rules, regs, policies and procedures,we are a beacon, encouraging others to come home to roost in the sweet innocence of play.Love demands that we let go and completely surrendereverything false:Pride,age,shame,blame,all habits,including the manufacturing of revenue;and the baked in mis-representations and gospels of our culture.All this held-in-evidence, Love cleanses and sets on fire,Inviting us to put everything personal asideand just glowand quiverand be completely vulnerableand cluelessand Innocentand blissfully ignorant;empty of answers to all the wrong questions.Like “what’s going to happen to me in the future”or“what will others think of me”.Love invites a pure, clean letting go of the future,Love removes all bookmarks and road-blocks stored in the past.We are invited into the complete unknowing of the momentto die and be carried by the universal vibration and current of Love.Love asks everything, the complete 100% of you.Will you surrender to the embrace of Love and give it all up?The world is re-forming, awakening in youthe invitation to step into “making it all up,a fresh beginning, a starting all over again”.It just might be the yummiest undoing of your life!~ ~ ~;-) Dang, Love done come up and just plum swallowed me whole!!!

HEART FELT EXPRESSION VISION

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 22, 2009 at 7:30am

© 2009 Howard McQueenImagine how we as a species may be able to evolveif we put our heads downand open up our heartsand become responsiblefor experiencing our dis-eased emotional being.Imagine this as personal energy reclamation.Imagine this as siphoning up the ghosts from our past.Imagine this as a healing from the inside out.Imagine this as using our latent gifts to create a heaven on this earth.Yes, I realize there is a lot of stored resistance and thatit lives by the names of bitterness, cynicism, betrayal, abandonment, despair, depression, avoidance.Yes, I realize we are constantly hi-jacking ourselves and heaping more suffering and misery on ourselves and projecting this externally.And yes, I realize that all this is part of what is still holding the current precarious man-made structures together.I sense you, like me, are feeling deep inside that more than just Rome is crumbling.This feeling is our early warning signal: Wake up and open to the personal invitation to connect to and step into our hearts.There is no other place to go, there is nothing more essential and preparatory to do.Been everywhere elseexcept in the heart,already reacted to this and that,over and over again.We’ve exhausted ourselves trying to energize our mental potentialities when we are not deeply connected through our heart.We’ve watched members of our species greedily exploit the planet and all life forms for personal, egoic gain. We’ve watched fear rampantly peddled and seen these fires flamed into brutality and destruction – all for the gain of the few.We’ve watched as our religious, government and business and communications (media) institutions have either sanctioned all of these activities, or were incented (through their own best interests) to turn and look the other way.We have essentially always been on our own to choose to be guided by our heart. We just slipped a bit and began to believe that our institutions were supposted to do this work for us.This is the wake up call. No one else, no matter how large or empowered, can breathe for you, can feel for you, or can awaken your heart or your loving intent.This is for you to do, with a bit of help,some reaching out to others,that can guide and assist you..Know that other hearts are already open and opening,so YOU ARE NOTAND HAVE NEVER BEENALONEReach out your heart and these hearts in others will become visible.The event horizon is fast approaching where the energy of the heartwill be tapped to empower the human dream on this planet.Imagine, a planetary-wide cleansing of fear-anger-grief.Between now and then,Rather than cave in to the increasing turmoilThe mass insanity and hysteria of trying to surviveby keeping the existing status quo alive,take up home and reside in your heart.Light your inner candles, stoke the fire,do your own inner work to cleanse yourselfof the two thousand years of darkness and mischiefdeeply etched into our psyche.Live in THE HEART and invite others to share this felt connection.Allow the heart to awaken, so it can assimilate and integrateour emotional woundednessour short-circuited masculine and feminine templatesour relationship models to express love and intimacy,this is the work of the heart.First.We are called to re-establish unconditional love within ourselves. This requires undoing and releasing all conditional attachments that prevent love. Lets call it a deep Intimacy with feeling everything arising within us, being able to feel into and see and through all the darkness and shadow.ThenRe-establishing unconditional love with others that were part of our journey, going back to this birth. Here we will receive additional gifts for peering into and feeling our dark inherited, passed-down energies.And againRe-establishing unconditional love in our most intimate day-to-day activities, be this work, family, romantic partners. And again, more opportunities to receive additional gifts for peering into and feeling our dark energies, these being what we have learned to pass along to those we have tried our best to share and experience love.And finally,through diligence and practice, our heart breaks open and we can be in the world to feel the immense joy always available and radiating.For it is weUsing the gift of conscious awarenessThat must choose to put down our burdensOur ingrained habitsOur flawed perceptionsOur corrupted conditioningAnd undo and disconnect ourselves from all the actively running programmingAnd lead ourselves through a complete emotional operating system reboot.Neither revolutionary nor pacifistwe walk the path of evolving defenselessness[1]We are and will transform our life to live through the heart,by relying exclusively upon direct, in-the-moment, personal, felt-experience.This is out teacher, our mentor, our guiding spirit.We drop all the crap and all the short-circuited energiesand radiate a unifying love through all our actions, expressions and intentions.~ ~ ~Two books by Michael Brown are easily accessible and very digestible experiental operating guides and perceptual aids for getting underway with the personal transformation. Bless you Michael!The Presence Process (Namaste Publishing)Alchemy of the Heart (Namaste Publishing)[1]Buddhism and Taoism and living like the properties and attributes of water.

RESPONSIBILITY

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 21, 2009 at 7:00am

Responsibility (Defn:)Response ability, the capacity and capability to respond (and not enter a reactive state). The capacity to be consciously present within ourselves, and from this non-aggressive energetic space, choose to contain and constructively direct our internal energy, with the intention to liberate unconscious beliefs and behavior.I am developing the capacity to be responsible for my actions and my intentions.I am becoming aware that to use this capacity with others requires an ongoing commitment to understanding deeper and deeper subtleties in understanding myself and how to approach, inquire and develop awareness and compassion for my blind spots as well as extending this compassion for the blind spots carried by others.These blind spots are where my internal energy does not flow freely and has become frozen (or stuck).This stuck-ness in my internal energy flow causes me to revisit and re-experience my blind spots as current, in-the-moment reflections, brought to me by messengers (the people in my life that carry the messages that trigger my reflections and projections).It is very easy to become tripped up in our reflections and projections and the emotional and mental bias that is running rampant (yet to be seen and integrated) in our human operating systems.As we (I mean me and at least one other person here) learn to reward and reinforce each other for learning and taking responsibility for our side of relationships, we build trust and we grow the capability (muscle) and capacity (persistence /endurance) to transform unconscious beliefs and behaviors.This is the work that I am being called upon to awaken to.This is what I dedicate the rest of my life on this planet to.~ ~ ~I have taken the liberty to modify the definition of response from Michael Brown's book The Presence Process.Always a delight to hear from any of you - Howard@mcq.com

EMBODYING THE MYSTERY

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 19, 2009 at 10:30am

(c) 2009 Howard McQueenOne pathway to be the embodiment of The Mysteryis to focus on receiving and responding to lifeby living through your heart.You will perceive an ever-deepening intimacy with your overall connectedness.This will bring on such a felt-fullness that it will crowd-outand displace all pettiness and worries.And what is left is abiding and residing is felt Oneness,direct connection to cause and effect,and the sense that we are all engaged in the same experience.Many of us are still resisting, coping, stuck in survival mode.Others are embracing, living and actively sharing in Love,having no idea what will happen from moment to moment,as the mystery continues to unfold.Their resolute response to experience is deep gratitude for just being alive!

THE WHITE MAGIC OF HUMBLE AWARENESS

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 19, 2009 at 8:00am

(C) 2009 Howard McQueenWe are discovering that when we center in our heart,there is a quickening of non-aggressive energy.This energy courses through our human instrument,and when this intent is heldgently as encouragement to awaken,the white magic is set free to awaken in others.Others see this energy as their own imaginative reflection.They either drink it in deeply, or reactivate their own aggressive tendencies;They push their own "buttons" of stored resistance.The resistance arises as projections,pointers to internal, stuck energy,formed around experiences,now hardened into beliefs,that deeply sap and kidnap our authenticity.This is the Illumination Stage of Awareness,where we get to use our "new eyes" and vision toreal eyes the gifts hiding out in our shadows.All we need do initially,is rest with the reflected projection.Thenfeel and lean into this energetic dynamicand meet a hidden aspect of ourself.Continuing this type of processingis uncomfortable,as well as completely transformational.You will be undoing and up-rooting old fear/anger/grief behaviors and patternsand regaining a groundless freedom to allow love to grow and flourish.Compared to living in prisonI'' ve discovered adopting this processis worth whatever the price of admission.

THE CATCH-22 OF HUMAN PEACE

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 18, 2009 at 6:00pm

(C) 2009 Howard McQueenThrough the use of aggression and force,not the least of which is mental and emotional brutalitytaught, rewarded and enforced by parents and other adults,especially those honored with the title, "those we look up to",we have substantially shut down our heartssuppressing our greatest inner treasure trove of wealthinstead, we are loading up on self-medicating, addictive behaviors,over the counterand under the thumbpharmaceuticalsand a vast array of things designed to numb and deaden us,as we practice repeated, habitual grim fun and avoidance.We spend more and more time hiding out,obsessing in the anxiety-filled corridors of our mind.We don’t die here,we are kind of anesthetically embalmed,to wither away in our mental illness-fortress.We’ve forgotten that to be vulnerable and aliveWe must shed our skins and dieIn order to continue opening to the sacred.Instead, we practice caving inBarely crawling on our foursRather than standing tallRadiating our authenticityOur child, still mired in perpetual resistanceBurns alive with the escalating fever inside.These baked in habits escalating,Fed and fueled not by U-232,but the radioactive reactor of the Human Catch-22.[1]Deep inside there is a growing knowing,the human race need not continue to projectthe world as it currently is.Surrender all inner aggression.Rely upon heart-felt insight to find your way.Be peace![1] The Human Catch-22Our emotional body,desperately in need of healing and rescuepays forward our toxic experiences,binding us to our past,now the continued and ongoing defilement of self.In the meantime,everywhere else except in the domainof human operating systems,peace reigns supreme.We don’t need tocreate,manufacture,pray fororeven acknowledge Peace.It is a constant given,a bright and continuous signal –that more and more of usare beginning to senseand receive this signal,feel it,take it inwardand radiate it outward!In my heart, I hold the signal and create expansive space for peace.~ ~ ~

THE “HANG TIME” OF GRACIOUS PERSISTENCE

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 18, 2009 at 5:00pm

© 2009 Howard McQueenMichael Jordan had hang time in basketball. Ski jumpers in the Winter Olympics set new records hanging the longest, coaxing out every second in the air, before touching down.This story celebrates a somewhat different use of Hang Time.I called a friend on the phone this morning.I said to him “Ernest, you’ve got the most impressive hang-time”,meaning the incredible patience and grace he has shownwhile his core life has been coming completely unglued and shorn.He said to me, wow, Howard, let me take a moment and drink that in!And then there was a long pauseAnd then he saidA friend once said to me “gracious persistence” will take you a long way.He also told me he had not always been living from this space and that, in the past, he would either go unconscious and insane or be kind of frozen in fear.When I think of my now several year old motto “perpetual sabbatical”I see this as merely the foundational gift,the opportunity to slow down and openI also know more of my energies are now being diverted into gracious persistence,allowing life to mold and re-shape me by accepting my fullness of experience.I celebrate all this, with all of you, with a big warm mug of Gusto!Cheers!~ ~ ~An email response from a friend: 10/18/09I can relate to this writing - my external life is in total upheaval and chaos... about the only major challenge I haven't experienced within the last 6 months is a death of somebody close to me, or a major health issue.Deep down, I know this 'deconstruction' is just getting rid of the old elements of my life that don't work, to make room and transformation for new and amazing opportunities for growth and expansion.So even though I am going through a time which includes great pain and challenge, I'm grateful for it at the same time. In a manner of speaking, all the challenges in my life right now are little miracles hidden in the dregs just waiting to be brought out and polished so they can glimmer in my life and the lives of those who know me.My response: 10/18/09I was in my 50s before I began to appreciate deconstruction, and it took a good bit of Buddhist Psychology to ground me to the point where I could bear the pain and appreciate that I was paying forward and backward to begin to clear a space for peace and harmony to grow.Now, several years down this road, with a number of beautiful fellowships with others, there are fewer bumps in the road, and what comes up is welcomed with considerable more grace.So as others "wig out" around me, I can see myself in past relative vibrational episodes and say "this too shall pass".We never know "how", but by holding fast to intent and remembering to keep that torch lit, and held high, it is only a matter of time.Much love and compassion to everyone on this journey.Howard****Why is it valuable to feel into the expansiveness of emotional vocabularies?I do this not to just define a word, but to bring it deep inside my chest so the heart can be activated and so that new qualities of feelings can arise. These feelings emanate from the heart vibrational center, and like champaign bubbles rising, pass through the emotional-mental-physical layers of our human operating system, bringing fresh energy to stuck places. Our whole being becomes filled in with the deeply mystical and mysterious process of inner transformation. - Howard@mcq.com

CONDITIONED REJECTION & HEALING

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 18, 2009 at 9:30am

© 2009 Howard McQueenBack in 1975 I ran into a major, traumatic conditional rejection.A girl friend and lover I had become very attached toapproached me one afternoon and saidif we are going to keep sleeping together,you will have to learn to also start having sexconcurrently with me and my friends.When I received these words, it was like an electric shock flew into my chest.There was an immediate physiological tightening down of muscles in my shoulders and my neck.I literally began hurting.Uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!And, to this day, I still have symptoms and occasional bouts,especially when I feel rejection and am emotionally insecure..Fast forwardThis past week, I sent a lady I had met in Sedona a follow-up email.We had met for the second time again this September, at an annual conference in Sedona.The conference was about emotional maturity, so a touchy-feeling, show affection to others was part of the prevailing mood.This trip, I found her gazing into my eyes several timesand at a break, I asked if I could speak to her.And in a crowded public space,we sat on a benchand I put my arm around her shoulderand gently kissed her cheek.She told me that she felt a stone in the kiss. We tried talking about this but the words I offered did not make any sense to her, so I suggested we just let things be.Later that day she said, to reinforce her feelingsI really did not appreciate your putting your arm around me or kissing me.I sat with this and after hearing the emphatic desirefor apology in her voice the second time,later, the next day, I slowly and sincerely apologized,and she showed appreciation and gratefully accepted my apology.The email I had sent her earlier this weekcontained a link to a blog entry on intimacy [1]addressing what can arise when you gaze into someone’s eyes.In my email to her, I said that I thought that she might be interested in reading the article, since she and I had our own sort of bump in the road over expectations arising out of eye gazing.Her email back to me caught me completely off guard.She saidcut the crap, HowardI made it clear in Sedona that I don’t want to ever see you again,so don’t contact me or even reply to this email.As I was reading her reply, this same energetic electric shock from 1975arose in my body.I wanted to run – to the bathroom, anywhere.Instead, I just sat down in front of her wordsAnd, in a meditative posture,leaned into feeling these wildly uncomfortable sensations.The feelings that came up around these sensations translated into sentences like“What you have done is too terrible to repair, I am abandoning you here and now”“Dirty little boy, how dare you show your affections under these conditions”“You want your addiction again. Ok, come defile yourself”And, as I sat with all this, I became increasing peacefuland the peacefulness settled into my emotional, mental and physical bodies.IN REVIEWCertainly, the public kiss was a bit forward as well as assertive,The intent: affection akin to something shared between two seven year old children (the two players in their fifties now).When received by the other,what was stirred up was a deeply emotionally charged projectionthat resulted in them completely shutting downto my reflections of affection.You can never really know how your words or affections will land on another.I take full responsibility for initiating the display of affection.I took full responsibility for offering the sincerest of apologies.In the momentWhen I take responsibilities for these feelings welling up inside meI realize I am actually triggering some healing energies for myself,Trauma and defilement of self stored in memory from 1975,and stored without words, but as uncomfortably held feelingsgoing way back to my childhood in the 1950s.I cannot put any clear pictures or images to the discomforts in the 1950s,But, by resting in 2009 with this triggered deep intimacy of rejectionI put my arms around the childand loosen this frozen-in-fear,bound-and-gagged energetic conditioning.About 2:30 am this morning I awokeand my chest and back was a bit raw and sore.I did a few minutes of very deep breathingand this alone broke up the soreness of the musculatureand the seemingly pasty hurt and painformed around my ligaments and bones.What an amazing way to energetically heal myself / (ourselves),By focusing your attention on the triggered emotional pain in this moment,We are stimulating the healing that was date-stamped 195x and 197x and … XXXx.~ ~ ~And, by the way, I suspect this is not the end of the story with this particular lady. I will honor her request to lay low. Perhaps a future blog entry will show a melting, warming and mending with her own stored emotional pain. I am holding space and sending blessings. I hold no animosity or energy relating to animosity. I hold no revenge or feelings is blame, or need to shame, and no aggressions. I rest in peace and allow her to be and process how ever things may unfold for her. These things I cannot know in her, but I can know them in me.This article on Intimacy and Eye Gazing can be found at http://www.thepresenceportal.com/ (in the left navigational frame, choose “Naked”). This is a set of blog entries by the awesome author, Michael Brown (The Presence Process and Alchemy of the Heart).If you have any stories that support this type of emotional healing, I’d be delighted to hear from you (howard@mcq.com).

WHAT IF THE HEART IS …

Posted by Howard McQueen on October 17, 2009 at 7:30am

© 2009 Howard McQueenWhat if the Heart is the center of our Authenticity,our Gateway to interconnected Intimacy with life itself.What if the Heart is the receiver of vibrational energetic felt-sensitivities fromthe Deep Mystery, the womb and mother of Life.What if the Heart is the sender of these amplified currents of vibrational energy coursing through us, that we, in our highest embodiment, invoke the sacred names: love, conscious intimacy, compassion, gratitude, peace, joy, jubilation ...What if our hearts have become heavy from our toxic emotional and mental diet and habitsand is now out of alignment and substantially closed down. In this state, the Heart tries its best, but the heaviness distorts these vibrations as they pass into the emotional/mental/physical layerings of our currently maligned human operating system.What becomes energized is the fear/anger/grief congesting our Heart.What if all we are suffering from is radiating our radically diminished, short-circuited authenticity.What if we could open ourselves and allow the heart to clean house, to purify the personally held fear/anger/grief - and set us free.What if everything internal is undergoing an increasingly subtle Transformationwhile what is external and concrete appears to be breaking apart at the seams?What if I excuse myself now and go read some more Rumi!I would enjoy hearing from you - Howard@mcq.com

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